It Will Be Okay

I called the therapist last night. I was home alone and felt really shitty about how things had gone during session. I probably would’ve been fine, but I just wanted to connect with her. I needed to know that things were okay. And I needed to feel less alone.

She called back in four minutes. I was shocked. I told her that I couldn’t believe she actually called me back! She gently said, “Of course I did.”

We couldn’t talk long because she had another session. But she quickly helped me come up with a plan for the following hour until she could call back. I told her I’d go to a local coffee shop, which often helps me stay in my “adult brain.” But I nearly got hit by a car when I mindlessly stepped into the middle of a very busy intersection. I was spaced out and wasn’t paying attention, so I didn’t even realize the light was green. After that, I figured I should stay indoors.

She called back one hour later, as promised. We talked for about 10 minutes until her next client. It wasn’t a very deep or intense conversation, but it was important. I apologized for the chaos from earlier in the day. She assured me it was okay. I told her that I know I inspire helplessness in people (including myself).

She said, “Andi, I know you think you messed up – like you did some sort of damage. But you did nothing wrong. I know that this is a lot. I know there is so much more to this than we have been able to cover thus far. But I always want you to be able to bring this stuff to me. I want all of you to be able to talk to me and tell me these things you’re feeling – no matter how small or “stupid” you think they are…”

I told her I think we need some more rules or regulations around Parts coming out in session. She agreed and said she’d like to facilitate that since it really is her responsibility to keep us safe. I was grateful for that comment.

I also accidentally left my folder in her office, which freaks me out. There is some pretty heavy personal shit in there! Stuff we haven’t felt ready to share with her yet. I asked her to please not open it. She said she wouldn’t, but she’d keep it safe until I came in for session on Friday. I believe her.

I feel a little better. I don’t know how to even begin a conversation about these things. I try. Then I either get flustered and just give up or I switch and lose time completely. But I feel like she’s signaling to me that she hasn’t given up and that despite how frustrating this is for both of us, she’s willing to keep trying from a different angle and see what works.

She also told me she was glad I called – that she wanted to talk to me. And she also told me to check back in if I needed to talk again before Friday. I probably won’t because I feel okay (for now). But it’s good to know I can call, if need be.

Alright, last three finals begin at 9am tomorrow. Must return to studying…