Sex and Authority

*Trigger warning*

Thoughts I scribbled down Thursday after a particularly intense session:

I think I’m fusing together today’s session and conversations from the other day when we were talking about my dad and what happened the time my parents called the police on me.

You said something today, something about “bringing him into the therapy space” and how when I do that, I’m wanting you to do something or partake in something as a sort of compulsive repetition, possibly related to, or similar to, what I wanted FROM my dad.

So then I’m thinking, like, YES! I mean, I probably offered him a blowjob to avoid arrest, but there was so much more to that action…

Yet, STILL, I am the one who wanted him to respond to my seduction.

And, my god, that is not the only time I did that, which makes me think of “Dr. Christmas Tree” and the blowjob I gave him to avoid losing my privileges in the psychiatric hospital.

Then I think about how, early on in our work together, you said you sensed an underlying “sexual tension” in the dynamic I had with Zooey.

And so, I don’t know, I guess I’m just feeling like I brought a lot of this shit on myself.

Because I’m also thinking that, in all honesty, if the end game here isn’t that you and I will somehow have sex, then what is even the point of being in therapy with you?

7 thoughts on “Sex and Authority

  1. La Quemada says:

    I know, repetitive compulsion SEEMS like bringing it on ourselves. But it only SEEMS like that. It’s actually a lot more complicated. Someone(s) taught us those behaviors, back when we were way too young and completely lacking in the judgment, skills, or power to reject those teachings. We were taught to use inappropriate or unsafe or unhealthy behaviors to try to satisfy perfectly normal, human needs for connection and protection.

    The fact that we grow up and some of those behaviors or urges or feelings remain… well, that’s just normal. All adults carry with them things we were taught when we were little. Some of those things harm us, and even when we see it, we can’t always let go of them right away. This is especially true if we don’t know what to substitute instead or don’t/can’t trust that substitutions will get our needs met or have too much fear to let go of the only strategies that ever used to work for us.

    I write all this, knowing you know it. I know it too, and I forget it sometimes and then get disgusted with myself because I let this guy do X or I didn’t stop Y or whatever.

    You are courageous to write about such deeply personal and difficult material. I admire you so much.

    And I think your parents are appalling!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Oh, Q, you are so good and kind and full of such insight! I *do* “know” this on some levels, but it still feels really really good to hear it from someone else, especially someone who has been through it! Thank you so very much for this comment. It is a gift♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. lexydragonfly says:

    I find the process of writing to be cathartic as well as helpful in sorting out thoughts. Many times I can’t put the pieces together till I write it out. It’s one reason I have therapy 2xs a week. It takes a couple days to sort things out for me. I’m actually taking a break from trauma work till I get into good habits rather than the bad ones that happen over and over and over again.

    Thank you for being so authentic and vulnerable.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Life in a Bind - BPD and me says:

    Wow – I was frustrated having to wait all day until I got home from work and kids were in bed, to comment on this! I completely share Q’s admiration for you and agree with everything she said! This is an incredible piece – not just for its openness and vulnerability, but for the amazing opportunities it presents to take it to therapy (if you are ready to) and discuss with your T. It is ‘therapeutic gold’ as they say, though it must have been very painful to write. My own versions of ‘repetitions’ and the times when my therapist has commented on them, on my patterns, and on the way I seem to ‘enlist her’ in those repetitions, have been some of the most painful and what felt like soul-destroying moments and like you, I felt it was all my fault and I was a horrendous person and brought it all on myself. But echoing what Q said, my therapist also pointed out that in a real sense this wasn’t really who I was. We all internalise stuff from growing up, but what I was doing reflected what was done _to_ me, much more than it reflected an intrinsic part of myself. It was such a relief to hear that, and it’s an important thing to remember. Keep going – this is exactly the stuff it’s important to think and talk about and I’m sending you virtual hugs for the courage I know it will take and that you have xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Yes! Having this reflected back to me was extraordinarily painful and shaming because I took that feedback as an absolute statement about who I am as a person. I actually read this to my therapist and she was blown away. Hoping it allows for some movement in those stuck places. Thank you so much for your beautiful comment 💜

      Liked by 1 person

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