Here’s what I’m thinking of saying at the beginning of session today:

“Last week was rough. And although I have about a million thoughts and feelings, which I definitely want to talk about at some point, what ultimately matters the most is that we fell into a dynamic and repeated a pattern that is not helpful to anyone and certainly does not feel good to me. So my main concern, despite how enraged, scared, and hurt I feel, is on addressing that pattern and figuring out how to get my needs met in a more effective way.”


23 thoughts on “Thoughts?

  1. pink says:

    Hey Andi, this all sounds so terrifying, painful and horrible, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it-I’ve long been in awe of the amazing and courageous work you do with your therapist. I believe you two will find a way through. This might not feel possible just now, but can you go in and speak from a more vulnerable place, and a less intellectual one? Just something like, ‘what has happened between us has terrified and confused me, and I’m so scared being here today I might throw up. I don’t know how or if we will find a way through, or if I can trust you or us anymore. I don’t want to try to control you, so I need your help to navigate this.’ I got stuck in a control battle over boundaries with a previous therapist, and ultimately she left me after 5.5 years work. My learning with my current therapist has been to step back from intellectualising & trying to protect myself through words and to step into the vulnerability, to risk trust in the midst of rage and shame and terror and pain. It’s so so hard, and please ignore this if it’s not useful, but I’ve found that that helps. The thinking about patterns can come later, but safety and trust need to be re-established first before that can occur. If you can bear to, even apologising for not respecting her boundary might help. Whatever you feel about her response you are only responsible for your part, and if she’s not fighting to defend herself it might move things into a calmer place. Please ignore this if it’s not helpful tho-I am not always sure when I’m projecting my own stuff. The grief you are feeling is horrific andi-just devastating. If there is a way to show her that (if protector parts can step back and let that show) it could really help. I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my last therapist though-the fear and rage protectors would have been too strong. You can only do what honours your system. I hope she can help you through it. Take lots of cae andi and good luck x

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Tina says:

    “Last week was rough. I have so many intense thoughts and feelings around it such as vulnerability, fear of abandonment, confusion, anxiety & hurt which I want to express & elaborate at some point.
    What I will start with is what ultimately matters the most:
    1) In my perception, we’re moving into a dynamic and repeated a pattern that isn’t helpful to our therapeutic alliance, certainly does not feel good to me & from what you verbalized, feels like a “violation” to you, which is a highly charged, serious choice of verbiage.
    2) I’m becoming more fearful that in my effort to express my thoughts, feelings, experience & address my needs, so that you can analyze my dysfunctional, self sabotaging patterns, I may say or do something that ruptures our alliance beyond repair & that is certainly NOT my intention. Ironically, my intention centers around my need for connection.
    So, my main concern, despite how enraged, scared, and hurt I feel, is on addressing that pattern and figuring out how to get my needs met in a more effective way.
    Please know …. I’m SO afraid that continuing to speak my truth & express my needs the only way I know how, will result in repeating the same hurtful ending I experienced with Zooey & that’s terrifying!!! My want, my wish, my hope, my intention is to find our way back to a good therapeutic alliance that doesn’t compromise either of us.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Tina says:

    I fear I don’t know how to do that & just like so many relationships in my life … my fears around being hurt by you will drive what seems like behavior that you feel is hurtful to our therapeutic relationship or to you personally.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Life in a Bind - BPD and me says:

    Thinking of you today xxx I agree strongly with Pink – though you may feel more secure with a ‘plan’ , going in without a script but with just your vulnerability and most authentic self, if you can bear it, I think would be helpful. I also, if you can bear it, agree with Pinks point about an apology – if she’s looking for recognition of responsibility, that could indicate to her that you get it and understand it. My own feeling would be to go in asking her to help you understand what she meant by not talking about this in her way, or in the way she was hoping you might address it together. And just take it from there….Keep it simple …..Hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. alicewithptsd says:

    Andi, I’ve just read the last few posts, and this all sounds so painful. I’m impressed that you have been able to see a pattern. You are still doing really good self reflection. There is so much more I could say, but I’m not sure how helpful any of it would be at this point. So please just know I’m thinking of you and hoping your appointment went well. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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