Helpless and Frustrated

Session was a total clusterfuck today. Julia was pissed. Anna was scared. River wanted to come out and say something important, but she was too frozen to push her way out. I was just confused and exhausted. The internal world was endless pain and screaming and fighting. Shadow Man is on his bullshit, terrorizing everyone. Time went over (way over) for the first time ever with this therapist. 

We’ll probably burn her out soon enough. She seemed aggravated. And helpless. Struggling to find a way to help or connect. A replica of Zooey in similar moments. 

This is what we inspire in people. Utter helplessness mixed with absolute frustration. Until they throw their hands up and leave. Honestly, I feel the same way. The only difference is that I can’t leave. I’m stuck in this hell. 

I wonder when we will lose her…?

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31 thoughts on “Helpless and Frustrated

  1. Rachel says:

    I am so sorry things were so rough today. Going way over one session is not a catastrophe, even if it feels like it is. The therapist understands all of you, and is learning. Tonight was part of her learning about the system, and how to help. If it hasn’t happened, how could she know? It’s OK for her to feel helpless and unsure. She can handle those feelings. It doesn’t mean she is going to burn out. It is a normal part of the therapeutic process; feelings. For both people. You trusting is brining more up. I see what happened tonight as a strength. You are doing your work, and your therapist will do hers. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ellen says:

    I don’t think she seems at all like Zooey. If a therapist can’t handle what comes up, it’s down to them. Clients really cannot control what a therapist does. Zooey’s behaviour was not your fault in any way – it was down to her. I guess unless you start physically threatening the T – that would be problematic.

    I don’t think she will leave. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Thanks, Ellen. I’m glad to hear you say she doesn’t sound like Zooey. That’s very comforting. No, I won’t threaten her. But I know there are lots of other ways therapist can figure out how to be “done” with clients. I hope you’re right. I hope she won’t leave…

      Like

  3. Cat's Meow says:

    I know that I keep on saying that your therapist reminds me of my therapist. We have gone through periods of her feeling frustrated and ineffective because I just kept on spiraling down and she couldn’t figure out how to help me put on the breaks except to suggest that the medication that I was on might be making things harder for me and asking me to work with my psychiatrist on figuring out an alternative. I flat out refused to do so for most of a year for reasons that had something to do with the present and terror that was purely from the past.

    Even though I refused to do what she thought would be most helpful and she was very worried about how I was doing (rightfully so, even though I never admitted to her just how bad things got), she assured me that she would keep on working with me and she did. It was a very tough year for both of us and I left her feeling less than effective as a therapist more than once. But we made it through the year, I made some other adjustments first that helped and then I finally risked the med adjustments. She seems to have been correct about the other medication keeping me in a more easily triggered state; I was correct about my current day concerns of switching from that medication to another.

    I learned that I can frustrate, worry, and even aggravate her because she cares deeply about my well being, however she can tolerate those feelings and won’t abandon me. For me it was a revelation, because my mother would emotionally abandon me in the face of difficult feelings.

    It took me many years to get to the point where I could trust my therapist enough to test her and demonstrate to myself that what I learned as a child doesn’t apply to everyone in the world. My family was very messed up and had been for generations. Because everyone close to me was so messed up, it seemed like the whole world was messed up, but it turns out that there are people in the world who are trustworthy.

    Unfortunately, Zoe conformed your world view that everyone is untrustworthy and will abandon you when you show your needs. Some therapists really are able to handle the craziness of dissociative clients and sessions where everything seems to go wrong. They can even handle months when very little seems to go right and they have to look hard for the moments that went right.

    It may take time for your therapist to figure out what helps for those sessions when everything is chaotic and parts are fighting each other. You may need to tolerate her experiencing some dismay and frustration because she isn’t being effective at helping you. But I would bet that the frustration is about her not knowing yet how to be as helpful as she wants to be, not about how you are acting.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Thank you so much for this comment. I needed to hear this today. I hope that this is my path, too. And I hope that it doesn’t turn out that I was the only thing standing in the way between connecting with this therapist, who seems to be pretty darn good at her job.

      And I’d agree – I’m sure her frustration is just with the situation itself, not with me/us specifically. But it still frightens me, you know?

      Anyway, thank you so much xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. silentlistener2510 says:

    Hi guys,

    I think it was about her learning what worked and didn’t work for you all.
    Frustration is a normal part of the relationship.
    I don’t think she sounds like Zoey at all.
    I hope to get to know River. I read your post the other day and never got around to replying.

    Hugs to all who want,

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      I definitely agree with that, SL. Thank you for saying she doesn’t sound like Zooey – that’s important to hear. I’m sure River will be speaking out some more (I hope). Thanks for the hugs ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Anxious Mom says:

    Sending lots of hugs your way. Ugh I know the Zooey-ish moments had to make things that much worse, although this therapist doesn’t sound like the type to handle things the way Zooey did if she ever thinks that she isn’t capable. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thanks for the hugs, E ❤

      Yes. I know she's not Zooey (she's actually dramatically different) but there ARE moments where I become so frightened that we're too much or inspiring too much of..something…and that will cause her to feel overwhelmed and stop seeing us.

      I know she said she wouldn't abruptly terminate that way Zooey did, and I believe her. I just don't want her to terminate at ALL…

      (except sometimes I want to throw my own hands up and walk out. but that's because I think I'm trying to beat her to the punch. oy)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anxious Mom says:

        I can’t imagine how frustrating (and stressful, just another thing you don’t need right now) it must be to have that hanging over your head. Maybe ask her at your next session how she’s feeling about how things are going, see where she’s at right now? She seems like the type that would be honest about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. sensuousamberville says:

    Andi, and all the others too, each system is different as you likely know, in massive ways, different alters, different interactions, in some ways a theme is followed in a system, so there are expected scenarios to a point. Each system is unique though, she has to get to know each part, how each part interacts and not in just one way, but different conditions, stressors, triggers even happy times, they will interact differently. Some sessions are going to be chaotic, this is ok though as it exhibits another way the interactions take place, how each alter displays how they feel, this is good information.

    Give her a chance, getting to know a system doesn’t happen all at once, there are ups and downs. Maybe River can write down what she wanted to say, so your therapist can see it. Notes between sessions can be helpful, as a thought comes out, so it doesn’t get lost.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Cat says:

    I hope it is never too much for her and, by what you’ve said so far, I doubt it. You’re still very early days and I imagine it takes a few weeks or months for her to et to know you and the others. I am sure she probably did feel a little useless at your session and if she was frustrated then I doubt it would make her run in the opposite direction. Hope you’re feeling better

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Well we’ve been seeing her for nearly 6 months, but she’s only met other Parts once or twice. SO I know it will probably take some time for her to get a feel for how to approach each of us. I just worry because I believe a lot of why Zooey left was because she couldn’t handle those feelings of inadequacy. Trying to remember this isn’t Zooey (which is actually quite hard to do!). Thanks, Cat xx

      Like

  8. Tessa says:

    Hugs to you too ❤ I am not completely up with your situation, but I think after reading all the comments that I have a better idea now and a few new terms I have learned over the last few weeks. I wish you all the very best. I can see why you are afraid to trust her. Be kind to yourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

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