Stuck

I don’t know what is going on with therapy right now, but I’m feeling very…stuck. It seems like the therapist and I keep just missing each other at several points throughout session recently. This happened during both sessions last week.

I went into Friday’s session feeling admittedly vulnerable since I’d shared not only a photo of myself as a child that was directly linked to a trauma memory I’d disclosed, but also because I’d read her my letter regarding my hopes and expectations for treatment.

I think part of the problem may be that we didn’t get enough time to really process the letter. We had about 10 minutes or so and the conversation we did have was a good one. But I don’t think it was enough. Thus a lot may have gone without saying and it’s adding this other layer to our work that we’re struggling to navigate through.

I’ve become extremely sensitive to the way she reacts to me. The questions she asks, her tone, her body language, her words. I feel very tense during session. There’s this underlying feeling that I’m going to fuck up. So I act defensively, which then puts her on the defensive. We tend to mirror each others emotions and behavior, even if only subtly. She pointed this out and I said I agreed, but it can be hard to know who is responding to who.

It’s like the chicken or the egg question: which comes first – my emotions or hers? Is she reacting to the emotions I’m bringing into the room? And then I’m reacting to her reactions, which then brings up even more emotion within her? Or is it the other way around? Ugh. So confusing!