I have struggled with various mental health symptoms for most of my life. I’ve been diagnosed with a myriad of interesting things, but my current diagnoses are Complex PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and OSFED (Atypical Anorexia Nervosa). Despite my firm stance AGAINST medication, I’ve realized it’s hard to do “the work” when you can’t stabilize long enough to get through a session. Therefore, I take some low-dose medications to help manage my symptoms. It works for now, but my goal is to eventually get back off medications and manage my symptoms naturally.
I first saw a therapist when I was 16 years old, mostly because my
parents abusers made me go after I was discharged from my first psychiatric hospitalization. Then, after four years, that therapist up and moved across the country to change careers, forcing us to end treatment.
Six years passed before I sought out a new therapist, which was mostly motivated by issues at work. I spent one year in therapy with her and then moved to a new city, so I had to end that treatment as well.
Five years later, I finally felt ready to seek out therapy on my own as an informed, autonomous adult. I had a strong sense of what I wanted from therapy and I was committed to facing it head on. I found a lovely therapist that I connected with fairly quickly. We spent a chaotic and interesting ten months navigating through the unveiling of my DID and unboxing some pretty horrific trauma. Then, suddenly, she terminated therapy with me. I have a lot of theories and assumptions about why she made that choice, but I also know I’ll likely never truly understand what happened.
Right now I’m seeing another therapist
once twice three times a week and I’ve been seeing her for just short of two years. After much searching and false starts, I’ve also recently found a psychiatrist who seems like a very good fit (finally!).
This blog is my little part of the matrix to write all about the chaotic, emotional, frustrating, agonizing, painful, rewarding, and overwhelming process of fumbling through therapy.