About

Welcome! I’m Andi.

I have struggled with various mental health symptoms for most of my life. I’ve been diagnosed with a myriad of interesting things, but my current diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I first saw a therapist when I was 16 years old, mostly because my parents abusers made me go after being discharged from my first psychiatric hospitalization. Then, after four years, that therapist up and moved across the country to change careers, forcing us to end treatment.

Six years passed before I sought out a new therapist, which was mostly motivated by issues at work. I spent one year in therapy with her and then moved to a new city, so I had to end that treatment as well.

Five years later, I finally felt ready to seek out therapy on my own as an informed, autonomous adult. I had a strong sense of what I wanted from therapy and I was committed to facing it head on. I found a lovely therapist that I connected with fairly quickly. We spent a chaotic ten months navigating through the unveiling of my DID and unboxing some pretty horrific trauma. Then, suddenly, she terminated therapy with me.

But now I have a wonderful psychotherapist that I’ve been seeing once twice three four times a week for about two and a half years. After much searching and false starts, I’ve also found a psychiatrist who is a very good fit (finally!).

This blog is my little part of the matrix to write all about the chaotic, emotional, frustrating, agonizing, painful, rewarding, and overwhelming process of fumbling through therapy.

29 thoughts on “About

  1. ComplexTraumaJourney (@TraumaJourney) says:

    Hi, I am a trauma survivor who has spent the last couple of years in trauma therapy processing the worst kinds of childhood trauma imaginable. I know it is hell. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that there is hope. There are resources out there that you can utilize to keep yourself present such as “Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists”. This was highly recommended by my trauma therapist. It is geared for both therapist and client alike. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s book on “The Body Keeps Score” and Judith Herman’s books are very validating and informative for survivors. Also, Peter Levine and Janina Fisher have good videos about the “nuts and bolts” of the experience. Heidi Hanson, a friend of mine, also has a good book that will be coming out later this year with exercises you can do to help with PTSD symptoms. I believe that having a skilled trauma therapist on your side is essential. And I have also learned that as survivors we need to empower ourselves to take charge of our own healing journey. One form of treatment does not necessarily work for everyone. You need to find what works best for you. Unfortunately, I have experienced it as a bit of trial and error. “Fumbling” is a good way to describe the experience As my therapist has said, this is really the toughest thing that anyone could possibly go through. Be kind and patient with yourself through the process. Take care. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Fumbling Through Therapy says:

      Thanks for reaching out! I actually have that “Coping” book in my shelf. Zooey had me buy it because we were planning to start going through it after Thanksgiving break. Which is right when she ended therapy, so that never happens. And now the book just sits on my shelf. Someday, maybe. I actually just ordered “The Body Keeps the Score” to read and I’ve read much of Herman’s work (a former therapist recommended her). I’ve never checked out those videos, though, so I will definitely do that. Thanks for all your input! Always nice to meet others who are in a similar place (although I don’t like the reason at ALL). Take care. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jay says:

        I can highly recommend The Body Keeps the Score! It offered a simple but enriching way of understanding how trauma is processed by the brain and body. I really liked that it acknowledged how people react differently to trauma. The freeze response also made more sense to me.

        Like

  2. Anxious Mom says:

    Hi Andi, I don’t know if you do the blogger award things, but did want to nominate you for the Mental Health Writer’s Guild Warrior Child award.

    From the site: “Awarded by any member of the Mental Health Writers’ Guild it is awarded without reservation or expectation to any blogger who, in the opinion of that Guild Member, has demonstrated in their writing both the ability to be as strong, determined or brave as a warrior whilst at the same time also showing that they too are as vulnerable as a child.”

    You don’t have to do anything with this one (not like a chain award thing), although you can display the badge if you want (find it here: https://mentalhealthwritersguild.wordpress.com/the-warrior-child-award/)

    Anyway, you are one strong and inspiring person, among the first who came to mind when I saw that part. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jaklumen says:

    Thanks again for your support, Andi- I apologize for the ugliness you may or may have not seen on… Twitter.

    I’m not in a good spot. Time to flee, but I wanted to stop by and say thank you again, and sorry if I said anything offensive.

    Liked by 1 person

      • jaklumen says:

        I did offend a few people in the Twitter chat, including a rather key person. cPTSD symptoms are at a hair trigger– restarting therapy on the 28th can’t come fast enough. Time to take a social media break. I’ve deactivated my Twitter account; not sure if and when I’ll reactivate it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        Ah, okay. These are delicate matters sometimes and no one is perfect. Wishing you the best with restarting therapy. Give yourself time to focus on healing. Social media will be here when/if you want to return.

        Like

  4. Lou says:

    Hello Andi,
    I too am lesbian and in therapy with a talented, patient therapist.
    I have been seeing her for over 4 yrs now but am just getting to the place of feeling like she will not leave me like my last therapist (like your past one). It was incredibly painful when she did that ’cause I had seen her for over three yrs. I don’t want to get into the sordid details but just wanted to say, I can understand some of what that felt like.
    I also have had many issues with anger in my therapy but I don’t deal with anger, I just stuff it or end up cutting or drinking to rid myself of that emotion. I feel it is far too dangerous to feel it.
    My father was my abuser not just in sexual ways but emotionally and physically. I feel he had borderline personality disorder (I also have been diagnosed with this label). He had a very volatile temper and would just go ballistic over the most minuscule things!!!
    I am at the place in therapy where my therapist wants me to acknowledge being angry with her (if I am), but I feel this is terrifying to attempt. I dread her leaving, feeling hurt, not loving me etc. if I were even to touch on the smallest bit of annoyance I feel towards her sometimes.
    I am happy to see you are able to voice your anger and frustrations with your therapist. This is a really big thing to do. And on top of that to hand over your last blade!! I know right now I could not do that.
    I can’t give you any kind of award for this blog but I congratulate you on being able to write about your experiences here and help those of us who don’t have the gift to write.
    Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Hi Lily! Glad you found my blog! It’s always so nice when we’re able to connect with people whose experiences reflect our own. That’s one of the things I love most about having this blog!

      Liked by 1 person

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