More Space?

Finals are over. They went…okay. Not good, not bad, but I prefer to walk out of an exam feeling a little more confident than I did on Thursday. Grades are due on Tuesday, so I’ll find out how I did soon enough. I won’t lie – I really wanted to hold onto my 4.0. But I’m also reassuring myself that (1) this shit is HARD, and (2) I literally worked as hard as I could have. I did my best.

Class doesn’t start again until the 18th. I’ve been doing almost nothing except watching something on Hulu, HBONow, or Netflix (including season 3 of “Orange is the New Black”!). It’s been glorious.

I did, however, also get to the gym both days this weekend, which hasn’t happened since …February? My body already feels better. I need to prioritize actual gym days. I never miss yoga class, but I find that cardio and strength can be just as calming and centering for the system. It allows certain parts to get out a lot of their energy/rage/aggression/whatever.

In Friday’s session with the therapist, she (again) mentioned the idea of having “more space” (i.e. more time). I recoiled at the idea (again). But we talked about it. She asked what emotional reaction I was having to her suggestion for more time. I explained that it just feels risky. What if I end up STILL not being able to ground myself or get back into adult brain by the required end-of-session point? What if the system is still uncooperative? What if it’s still not enough and she grows ever more resentful because I’m not reaching the outcome she hoped for in a reasonable time frame?

Also, the very fact the she thinks I need more time than two one-hour sessions per week sorta supports Zooey’s whole termination thesis that I “need more intensive treatment”. Which, I won’t lie, pisses me off.

The therapist responded that she fundamentally disagrees with almost every point Zooey made about my treatment (win!). She further explained that sometimes people appear or feel “needy” until their needs are, you know, met. She wants to be able to help do that. Her proposal is for the same two sessions per week but for 75 minutes, instead of 60. That would be an extra 30 minutes per week.

She feels this extra time would allow the Others to come out and speak more freely. She said, “There’s a lot of you! With a lot to say! I think that maybe if we could create some more space for people to talk and share, it might really help all of you.”

I can’t argue with that. But still, it makes me nervous. I think I’m just afraid that all of this trauma and darkness is ultimately uncontainable. What happens when she realizes that?

Then again, what if I don’t accept the extra time and then whenever there’s a crisis (or whatever) she holds it over my head that this is why we need more time?