And Then There Were Four

Two and a half years into seeing my current therapist and we’ve now moved from three sessions per week to four. Only one more to go before I max out on possible sessions!

I wanted to write about this because I know people still find their way to this blog and it felt important to share. I think I always imagined that only “very crazy” (aka unstable/unsafe) individuals needed therapy so frequently. I was anxious to transition from once weekly to twice, and it was another several months before I agreed to three times a week. Seeing her four times just seemed insanely extravagant and indulgent.

Which, to be fair, it still sorta feels that way, but I’m doing it anyway.

Not because I’m crazy or unstable or unsafe. In fact, I think that the more stable and safe I become, the more space has opened for us to do deeper, more connected, more intimate therapeutic work. It certainly isn’t any easier or less painful, but it’s difficult in a way that feels more productive.

I’d always figured that the only way I could get someone (especially a therapist) to care about me and my experience in this world was to make as much noise and create as much chaos as possible. I need to be demonstrative and dramatic with my expressions of pain, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. I figured the only way anyone could really SEE me is if I screamed as loudly as possible.

Apparently that’s not true and once I stopped screaming, I was actually able to have far more fulfilling conversations.

I still can’t believe she believes me. I still can’t believe she cares. I still can’t believe we have so much love and compassion and respect in this strange, complicated relationship we’ve built.

And, as time passes, my romantic love and erotic attraction to her seems to grow more and more. But we talk about it and she holds the space for me to fill with whatever comes up, which is the most beautiful thing ever.

It’s also seemingly the most painful and the more I get my needs met, the more I pull away from her because just HAVING needs is terrifying, let alone getting them met.

There’s also a very real sense that this cannot last forever and I dread the moment when I will inevitably lose her and lose this. I told her that I imagine I’m supposed to be working towards some sort of “graciously indifferent” state in regards to our relationship, which she thought was ridiculous because we grow closer and closer all the time.

So then what IS the end goal here? This WILL eventually be taken from me and I guess I just want to be prepared for that. I want to know when and how that will happen and I want to understand how to prepare myself for it.

Alas, things are never so simple.

Anyway. Therapy is the same beautiful mess as always and I just want people to know that if you see your therapist several times a week, it’s totally cool 🙂

13 thoughts on “And Then There Were Four

  1. Sirena says:

    Wow! I can’t imagine what that must be like? It must be good to have that level of containment but I imagine it might be quite intense too? I know that on the weeks I have 2 sessions a week it feels quite a lot and I’m glad of the next week where I’m only there once. Despite that, 3 or 4 times a week would feel pretty safe I’d imagine. Glad things are going well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paper Doll says:

    I love this. So much of what you wrote here is how I feel about my relationship with A.

    Thanks again for owning your little part of the internet, it got me blogging and still helps me so much. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. S says:

    ❤ this! And as for when it will end? You two will realize, recognize, struggle, figure it out, messily, skillfully, graciously, ungraciously, GENUINELY together when it’s the right time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. La Quemada says:

    I have missed you in WP-land; it’s nice to see you again. It’s also good to know that therapy is deep and meaningful and valuable. When the wounds are intense, therapy also needs to be intense; this makes perfect sense to me.

    As far as worrying about when it will have to end, I admit to having had those concerns too, in my relationship with E. But it pulls me off center, this thinking about future loss. I try as much as I can to relax into this moment, when she is here for me. The future will come, and it might be this way or it might be that way, and I will meet it when it arrives. When I can hang onto this position, I feel a little better. Just offering it to you in case it could make you feel a little better too. Sending hugs, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      That’s actually something I’m working on right now – trying to relax and be present with the moments I have with her, right now, instead of panicking and worrying about the ways I’ll lose her. It’s tough.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. aniken5er says:

    I’m so glad you’re writing. Everything you’re doing resonates, makes me feel less shame and less alone. My dissociative states are top secret; no one knows except my therapists. I have 2; they work with different parts, and I spend 4.5 hours/week there. One of my therapists read your post and said that he learned a lot, and that he was “touched” and that he understands more of the struggle. So please keep writing… you’re in deep in your commitment to healing and recovery, and you write about it sooo well.Thank you for sharing that gift.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Wow thank you so much! I’m glad you read this and it resonated with you. I have found the blogging community to be such a tremendous resource during this journey for this exact reason. xo


  6. Jean says:

    I’ve had so many ending with therapists. Most were because I wasn’t benefiting and I left with sadness (and sometimes anger, too) that it hadn’t worked. One was because I moved, but I could and did see him every time I was back in the area. So we still had the relationship, even though we didn’t have weekly sessions.

    Now I am maybe terminating with my present therapist. We care deeply about each other but it didn’t feel like therapy. I had very little childhood trauma left to work through and I really didn’t need help on the every day things. I cut back to once every two weeks, but there are times when I have to cancel so it can stretch out to a month. She told me that even if we ended now, I could always come back, whether I had a problem to work on or not. It’s very peaceful. And neither of us are moving cross country!

    That’s what I wish for you. Completion, peace.

    Liked by 2 people

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