When I got home last night, Wife asked me how session had gone. I told her it was fine, but “strange.” She asked me what was “strange” about it. I wasn’t really sure, but once I thought about it, I realized it there seemed to be a pretty big disconnect between the therapist and I throughout the hour. Having just come off a couple of intense and important sessions, the relative blandness of the session felt hollow to me.
But then I realized that I had intentionally disconnected from her. I think that the vulnerability of asking (and receiving) even more time in therapy raised alarm bells in the System. As we were discussing physical touch yesterday, I had a visible physical reaction to her language. When she asked me what was happening, I told her I was getting a lot of shame messages from the Inside. I couldn’t elaborate much beyond that, but she asked me to keep her posted as information came in.
I don’t think it’s entirely related to the change in sessions, but that’s certainly a big part. When I finished reading her my post about panicking over receiving a voicemail from her, she told me my reactions made perfect sense. And she said that if she had had to change or cancel my session, that absolutely would have been a big deal and it would have totally made sense for me to feel afraid or upset by that. I appreciated the validation, but it felt so empty to me for some reason.
Things I Learned In Therapy 