When Things Get Worse

*Trigger warning for mild talk of self-inury.

Today has been…interesting.

I had class this morning, where I found out I got a 97 on my Kinesiology practical (yay!). I also got another grade yesterday (95), so now I’m just waiting on the third. Hopefully I’ll get that grade tomorrow and hopefully it will be within the same ballpark as the others.

Class went well. Fun stuff to learn and practice. Then I had to tutor for an hour, so my friend came and hung out with me so we could study together for Thursday’s exam.

Then…therapy.

I don’t remember getting there. I don’t remember leaving. I do, however, remember “coming to” at what was clearly a distressing moment near the end of session. I can  recall about 3-4 minutes of time, but the rest is a blurry mess.

I didn’t get home from therapy until much later than I normally would and when I realized I was home (and in my body again), I also realized there were new cuts on my left thigh.

Fuck.

I Will Keep Fighting

*Trigger warning for language*

I called the therapist on Friday night because it was utter chaos inside. Andi generally can’t seem to understand (or maybe she can’t tell) what is going on, but for those of us who mainly exist inside – it really sucks.

We have these “teams” that are split and we basically hate each other. I like to think I’m the leader of my team, which mainly consists of me, River, and some younger parts. Shadow-Man (SM) and Laura are sorta co-captains of the other team, which has some older, some younger parts. Rachel, who is team SM, is usually older than the body age. For some reason, she age slid back to 19 on Friday which really fucking pissed me off because I know she’s doing it to challenge me and I know SM is behind it. Rain, who is River’s twin, is “Switzerland”. She is always 100% neutral. She provides no more or less support to any particular part and sometimes that drives me fucking insane because I’m like, “Yo, help your sister!” Ugh. There are also parts that aren’t on teams, but only come out at certain times. Like 911. She only comes out when we’re in an emergency and need emergency help (hence her name).

Anyway. Whenever any of us on Team J (yes, I’m naming my team after myself) start to get closer to literally ANYONE, Team SM starts to go apeshit. Doesn’t matter if it’s a therapist, friend, coworker, classmate, random fucking stranger on the train, whatever… If SM senses that any of us might trust someone or “disclose” any secrets, the sirens start blaring and shit gets locked down.

It’s not pleasant. It’s torture. It’s hell. It’s war.