Sex and Authority

*Trigger warning*

Thoughts I scribbled down Thursday after a particularly intense session:

I think I’m fusing together today’s session and conversations from the other day when we were talking about my dad and what happened the time my parents called the police on me.

You said something today, something about “bringing him into the therapy space” and how when I do that, I’m wanting you to do something or partake in something as a sort of compulsive repetition, possibly related to, or similar to, what I wanted FROM my dad.

So then I’m thinking, like, YES! I mean, I probably offered him a blowjob to avoid arrest, but there was so much more to that action…

Yet, STILL, I am the one who wanted him to respond to my seduction.

And, my god, that is not the only time I did that, which makes me think of “Dr. Christmas Tree” and the blowjob I gave him to avoid losing my privileges in the psychiatric hospital.

Then I think about how, early on in our work together, you said you sensed an underlying “sexual tension” in the dynamic I had with Zooey.

And so, I don’t know, I guess I’m just feeling like I brought a lot of this shit on myself.

Because I’m also thinking that, in all honesty, if the end game here isn’t that you and I will somehow have sex, then what is even the point of being in therapy with you?