Feeling my Feelings

I’m working on something new: I’m trying to actually feel my feelings.

Which may seem strange since I am an individual who apparently has a lot of big feelings all the time.

True.

But am I actually feeling them, or just doing anything and everything I can to avoid them?

With my therapist’s impending vacation, we had the usual conversation where she reminds me that we’ve been through this before and I made it out the other side. In fact, I generally end up doing much better than I anticipated while she is away and then end up feeling proud of myself for whatever stunning personal revelation I had while she was away.

Whatever. I don’t want a revelation. I don’t want to make it out the other side. I just want to feel my damn feelings.

I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m so many other things that’ve yet to be named.

Which isn’t to say I plan on self-destructing or being utterly miserable for the duration of her time off.

I just don’t want to be a hero about it. I don’t want to be brave or strong or insightful. I don’t want to use other resources or fill up that space with whatever will keep me occupied or otherwise distracted.

This break is going to suck. It’s going to hurt a lot and I’m going to struggle very much with missing her and feeling all sorts of really intense and frightening feelings.

So, I’m curious: what if I just gave myself permission to feel my damn feelings for once?

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10 thoughts on “Feeling my Feelings

  1. This.shaking says:

    YES! WOW! OH, REALLY!!!! WOW!! DO IT! HELP!???! (Of course we’ll help! Oh, Heck, we might just jump into the pool with you, Andi!) YESYESYESYESYESYES. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. La Quemada says:

    I hear you! So much of what I do is really an effort to avoid feeling things. But what if we just sit there and feel them? It could change everything. But it feels like quite a risk, doesn’t it?

    E is going on vacation for two weeks at the end of August, and I’m already starting to have some anticipatory anxiety about it. How long will your therapist be gone?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Blooming Lily says:

    Feeling your feelings – this is such a foreign concept for me, but one that I need to learn.
    I know you said just feeling, but after feeling them, could you validate them too? Because they are all valid, every single one of them. Cx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lexydragonfly says:

    Yeppers… except the place I am right now (emotionally) I am doing everything I can to “not” feel but I know that I will have to eventually. When I was in that space, to feel that is, I found it so difficult because I didn’t know the names of them, other than angry, scared, happy. My therapist would ask how I’m feeling and I would have to describe what is happening in my body and what my thoughts were, then she’d say something like, “that sounds like_____”. Seriously? You’d think I would have learned all this 50 years ago!!

    Liked by 2 people

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