I’m working on something new: I’m trying to actually feel my feelings.
Which may seem strange since I am an individual who apparently has a lot of big feelings all the time.
But am I actually feeling them, or just doing anything and everything I can to avoid them?
With my therapist’s impending vacation, we had the usual conversation where she reminds me that we’ve been through this before and I made it out the other side. In fact, I generally end up doing much better than I anticipated while she is away and then end up feeling proud of myself for whatever stunning personal revelation I had while she was away.
Whatever. I don’t want a revelation. I don’t want to make it out the other side. I just want to feel my damn feelings.
I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m so many other things that’ve yet to be named.
Which isn’t to say I plan on self-destructing or being utterly miserable for the duration of her time off.
I just don’t want to be a hero about it. I don’t want to be brave or strong or insightful. I don’t want to use other resources or fill up that space with whatever will keep me occupied or otherwise distracted.
This break is going to suck. It’s going to hurt a lot and I’m going to struggle very much with missing her and feeling all sorts of really intense and frightening feelings.
So, I’m curious: what if I just gave myself permission to feel my damn feelings for once?