Writing Through It

I can’t let go of this anger
towards you
the hurt
the disappointment
the betrayal
Maybe you are the last thing
standing between
myself
and the painful reality
of being deprived of
mothering
.
Being with you
is like learning a new
language
The one I already know
is conflict
and fighting
I know how to act out my emotions
You speak with words
and honesty
and vulnerability
Each time I reach the edge
of my knowledge in your language
I switch back to my native tongue
picking a fight
acting out
until I can translate
a new experience
into words
and find the courage
to speak them
.
I feel so grateful
for your boundaries
and your willingness to hold the line
even when I rage against it
I want compassion
reassurance
nurturing
belonging
I think you want that for me too
You see the long game
that giving me those things
may calm and validate me
for a few minutes
hours
days
but if you push me
to look
and find them for myself
within myself
I can have them forever