Writing Through It

I can’t let go of this anger
towards you
the hurt
the disappointment
the betrayal
Maybe you are the last thing
standing between
myself
and the painful reality
of being deprived of
mothering
.
Being with you
is like learning a new
language
The one I already know
is conflict
and fighting
I know how to act out my emotions
You speak with words
and honesty
and vulnerability
Each time I reach the edge
of my knowledge in your language
I switch back to my native tongue
picking a fight
acting out
until I can translate
a new experience
into words
and find the courage
to speak them
.
I feel so grateful
for your boundaries
and your willingness to hold the line
even when I rage against it
I want compassion
reassurance
nurturing
belonging
I think you want that for me too
You see the long game
that giving me those things
may calm and validate me
for a few minutes
hours
days
but if you push me
to look
and find them for myself
within myself
I can have them forever

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24 thoughts on “Writing Through It

  1. Jean says:

    Andi, that is totally beautiful. I wish you wrote more poems, cause I love them so much.

    And, if you realize that you go back to your old language when you are tired or confused or fearful, you are 90% toward getting what you want.

    if you want some

    Liked by 1 person

  2. thecollectivesystem says:

    I really like how you write. You are so raw, so vulnerable, so honest. I’m sorry it’s painful for you now. I hope you can find some bright spots in your days. Lora

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Blooming Lily says:

    Beautiful, Andi.
    I do want to say that I don’t think that your therapist showing care for you, and you finding lifelong self-love, are not mutually exclusive.
    You don’t have to “figure it all out” before you are worthy of love and care. You are worthy of love and care – warm love, not just “tough” love – right now, exactly as you are. I hope you know that, and I wish your therapist would communicate that better.
    Sending lots of love, and a hug ❀

    Liked by 3 people

  4. e.Nice says:

    Good on you for writing it out. Thank you for sharing. Powerful stuff. Learning a new language is a very good analogy. And if everyone else around you speaks that language it feels very isolating.

    Liked by 1 person

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