So my therapist thought more about letting me record sessions and came back with a hard no.
She, of course, gave a perfectly logical explanation for this decision. Something about not wanting to make a copy of the work, but to keep it in real time; making me work towards staying present in sessions and being better able to hear her authentic words and tone in the actual moment. And forcing me to work towards getting the comfort and reassurance I need from the time I’m with her, instead of pulling it from recordings that I listen to later on, without her.
Whatever. She makes a decent argument, but I still hate it.
I told her today that I feel like she puts a hard line around the compassion and reassurance she offers me. I get to be with her in person (where I honestly feel like she also greatly limits the amount of reassurance she gives me), but once I walk out that door, she’s completely unavailable, even as a voice on a recording taken during a live session with her.
She let me keep the Gray Mouse doll from her office. Not forever, but indefinitely. I’ve had it at my house for a couple weeks now. I’m grateful for this, and it’s better than nothing, but it still feels limited. This is not a doll she’s ever interacted with; she’s never held or hugged it or used it in sessions. It’s just this object that sat in her office. My little parts were drawn to it and became attached to it, so it developed meaning. But when I really think about it, even this doll from her office that has taken up residence in my own home feels like yet another example of her restraint.
This is hard. It’s super painful to feel such deep and agonizing attachment pain. It’s as if there’s a black hole in my sternum that’s slowly drawing me in. It also feels like my therapist exists inside this neat, fortified box that completely protects her from the chaos that’s constantly surrounding me.
I mean, I guess I don’t blame her, but it sucks.
So I tell her all of this at the end of session today and her response was to tell me that she sees how incredibly hard I’m working around all of this very difficult stuff.
I said, “Is that really the last thing you’re going to say??”
Yes, it was.
She said that this is an example of how I want reassurance from her, but she’s not going to give it and that upsets me.
So I told her that the next time I see her, I really need her to explain to me why she won’t give me the reassurance I not only need, but specifically outlined and asked for.
Then I left.
And now I’m wondering if I should consider seeing another therapist to try and work out what the fuck is happening with this one, because I just don’t understand this approach she’s taking and it feels hurtful.
I understand boundaries and parameters, but her blatant refusal to be a source of comfort to me is excruciating and confusing.
I think if I even mentioned wanting to consult with someone else, she’d see that as manipulation, as if I’m pushing her to alter her boundaries as some ultimatum.
Maybe I am.