Per some suggestions, I asked my therapist if I could audio record sessions. I thought it might help me gain some much needed clarity to hear her actual words and tone when I’m not scared, angry, or dissociated.
And let’s be honest, I want to be able to hear her voice, to hear our conversations, in the time between sessions that feels eternal and so painful. I want to be able to connect to her and to our work together.
She said she’s been thinking about it a little, but still hasn’t made a final decision. She typically does not allow recording of sessions, per her own parameters, but she’s willing to think about it.
Whatever. I’m sure she’ll say no.
She probably doesn’t want to give anymore of herself to me than she already gives. And it likely feels gross to her to imagine me listening to our conversations after the fact. I can see and understand why she’d want to distance herself from me.
But I want her to say yes. I really want this and I think it would be good for me. And I think it will be very very hard for me to be told no about this.
I wish I had more control over this but I just don’t. It’s up to her. That sucks.