I’ve done so much writing and talking and thinking about this therapeutic rupture since last week. I’ve written ten pages in my hard copy journal, several blog posts, tweets, and personal conversations. I’ve talked my wife’s ear off about virtually every thought and feeling that’s come to my mind.
But I still feel at a complete loss about what to do come tomorrow afternoon when I see my therapist again.
Wife and I tried doing a little role play to practice for the opening of session, but I couldn’t get into it. I’m so paralyzed by the fear that my therapist is going to terminate me or somehow radically change the rules that it’s hard to envision any conversation until I know what’s happening in that aspect. Could be nothing, could be everything.
I want to set the interaction up for success, but I’m struggling because I’m still so angry with her for her failures. My emotion runs so deep and is very intense. So the adult part of me wants to use my “wise mind” and approach the session from a place that is not defensive, but open. The scared parts of me, however, absolutely refuse to be vulnerable. And I get it. This therapist hurt me and I’m hesitant to trust that even if I went in there calmly and tried to articulate what I was feeling, she’d shut me down again. Which, quite frankly, would be humiliating.
But I also don’t want to go in guns blazing and immediately activate the walls around both of us.
In a fantasy world, I would go in and tell her all this – that I’m struggling to even know how to talk to her because the need to rage at her is battling against the need to connect with her and fix this mess. And she would respond with empathy and compassion and, together, we’d navigate a very painful and tricky dynamic.
But I don’t know that either one of us is capable of such a thing and that sucks.
I’m very much open to ideas or suggestions, so if something comes to mind – something that has worked for you in the past, or that you think might work here – please share.
I’ve got 26 hours to figure this out.
ETA: Also, I don’t distinctly remember sending the parasuicidal email that triggered all of this nonsense, but having gone back and read it, I’m feeling a lot of feels about the fact that my therapist blatantly ignored a communication that threatened suicide, even passively. I’m sure she did it because she doesn’t want to reinforce that kind of behavior, but my god, what a fucking risk to take.