I had session yesterday. My therapist was not thrilled with my email. She told me she is now moving the boundary so that I am no longer allowed to email her at all, and if I email her again, she’ll block my email address.
I mean, whatever. I honestly felt a sense of relief when she said that; now it’s abundantly clear: my email privileges have been revoked. I can’t even email for a schedule change.
She thinks she was crystal clear on email boundaries. She’d told me she doesn’t engage via email around anything but logistics. To me, that meant she wouldn’t write back unless it was an administrative thing like scheduling or payment.
But I emailed her on Tuesday.
I’d shared some writing (which I posted in “Stream of Consciousness“) during session. But then I sent an email later in the day with the subject line “Seems Important” and the following message:
“There’s so much that I brought in today; so much much sitting in that space, threatening to overwhelm us, or maybe just me.
I want to send you what I wrote because although I’ve already read it to you in person, I want you to have access to it. I want you to really know what I said, on a practical level, even if we might not understand it that well on a deeper level yet. It just…feels important.
And I don’t want to hold it by myself.
See you soon.”
We talked about it the following day. I expanded in why I’d sent the email and acknowledged that I know she doesn’t engage in email this way, so I knew she wouldn’t write back. She told me she also doesn’t read such emails, which was a bit of a shock and somewhat painful to hear.
That session was very rough, which left me in the space in which I sent the next email, which led her to change the rules.
I’m not as upset that she changed the rules as I am that she wasn’t clear about them in the first place. I wish she’d told me I’d lose all email contact if I sent another email outside the boundaries.
And although I don’t want to get into this in this post, I also feel like she failed me because, quite frankly, I don’t feel like she followed her own rules around email.
This feels like Zooey territory. My therapist said she wonders if she shouldn’t just pull ALL out of session contact because I seem too tempted to push the edges.
But that’s what I do. That’s what people like me do.
And she promised me early on that although it made sense that I’d push against boundaries in therapy, it was her job to hold them.
She didn’t, and now I’m paying the price.
Also, we had a massive rupture yesterday and I called her last night to try and repair some of that, which I explicitly stated in the voicemail. I asked her to call me back. She hasn’t yet and I don’t think she is going to, which means I have to hold all of this until Tuesday afternoon.
I am trying to be okay with this.
Part of me wonders if she isn’t punishing me for violating her boundary. Or maybe she just really needs a break from me. Or perhaps she thinks it would do me good to suffer through without having her return my call (which would be a first).
This feels like very dangerous territory and I guess I’m hoping it hasn’t been irrevocably damaged.
Or maybe I hope it has.
It certainly is easier to be angry with her than aroused.