[No Subject]

I want to kill myself. I will go to work until 8pm and put these feelings away into a neat container while I imagine the ways I could stop this agony once I am done. Has their ever been a worse human being than me? No. I never again want to be looked at the way you looked at me today. Too much truth in that. I should not be alive. I wasn’t meant to be alive. Someone should know. 

But you won’t read this anyway… 

no one will ever know and maybe I’ll survive this, or maybe it will be the suicide note that pushed the boundaries too far while I was pushed too far. Look at me, pushing pushing pushing. 

Oh! It won’t matter anyway. Hahahahahaha.

Standing on the edge the edge the edge

Please just let me jump 

Either way, nothing will ever be the same again. 
*this is what I just emailed to my therapist after a rough session. I’m not supposed to email her about anything but logistics…


28 thoughts on “[No Subject]

  1. kat says:

    please think about calling a crisis or warm line…just so you can talk about it, know you have been heard and cared about. it can’t hurt…and remember we out here in blogland are reading!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Tina says:

    Oh Andi, I wish my words could soften the pain & agony I know you’re feeling. My husband of 24 years is dying of cancer & all I can think is to beg the universe to let me join him very soon after. HUGS!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Life in a Bind - BPD and me says:

    Big hugs Andi, and as others have said, please do reach out to a crisis line if you feel unsafe. I’m thinking of you and wish we could all be there with you. You talked of how she looked at you – I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but my last time of suicidal ideation followed on straight after a session where I felt intense shame and I couldn’t stop thinking about how it seemed she’d looked at me, and how it felt to hear her setting boundaries. It was horrendous and I wanted to die and felt unsafe – but after hours of sitting with it, it felt a bit more bearable, and we were able to talk about it in session afterwards and though this was only 4 days before the start of the Christmas break, we left things in a really positive place. I really really wish the same for you, and though you have a ‘no email’ policy, given how you’re feeling and what you’ve been covering in therapy recently, and knowing what you’ve written in the past about her, I really feel that she will understand, and that you reaching out in this way will be okay. Love xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Thank you so much. What you describe is a lot of what has been going on for us. Boundaries are so tricky to navigate and I get intensely triggered around the topic. It’s awful. I’m sure the way she looked at me was more or less innocent but I still felt profoundly ashamed, to the point that I got up and left the room for a couple minutes. I’m sure she’ll understand or we can eventually work through this but right now I honestly just want to flee, to get as far away from her and from this pain as possible.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Jean says:

    Dear Andi:

    and more if okay. It’s hard to see you in such intense pain — I wish I could be with you in person. I wonder if it has anything to do with your last post, stream of consciousness. It was so intense, and felt so accurate, I thought you must feel very vulnerable, both to have written it and to post it. It;s one thing to think something, another to write it down, and still another to tell one person, let alone many. Each of those steps has an increasingly strong impact. Anyway, try and remember that many people love you and want you to live and learn ways to handle the pain so it is less intense and doesn;t last as long. And if there is anything I can do from a distance, let me know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, I definitely think it’s likely the culmination of many things coming to a head. We’ve been in since very scary work lately and although I’ve been trying to embrace it and lean into the fear, it seems to have gotten the best of me today. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.


  5. La Quemada says:

    I don’t know if this is useful to you at all, Andi, but when I was intensely, insanely triggered in my relationship with E over the summer, I told myself that if I needed to, I could stop going to her whenever I wanted. I had the choice, and the right to make the choice, to avoid her or reject her or whatever. Obviously in the end I didn’t, and you probably won’t either, but rejecting your therapist is a much better solution than suicide. You are very much needed on this planet; you are precious. I echo what others say–call a crisis line, go to the hospital, sit with someone, whatever you need to do to be safe. Keep posting here, and we’ll keep telling you that you matter to us. You matter to me.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Laura Black says:

    I just wanted to second what the others here have said and add my voice to the support you’ve got here. I know it’s hard to feel supported by strangers, but when I’m in that horrible dark place it helps to know that people who understand are listening. I was concerned about you when I read your last post. I can’t imagine how intense and triggering it is for you going into all that stuff. Actually I can imagine to an extent and that is why I was worried. You’ll get through this. I believe in you. Keep writing and sharing, we’re alongside you. Laura x

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Rachel says:

    I’m so sorry things feel so permanent right now and so painful. Your therapist would not abandon you over any of this. And I know you well enough to know you aren’t going to abandon you either. Sending all my love.

    Liked by 1 person

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