Tomorrow is my first day of work!
Well, technically it’s just human resources “onboarding” for two hours, but I get to sign my contract and becoming an employed adult again! Wednesday will be my first full work shift, following by another clinician-specific training on Thursday. Then Friday I’m completely ready to be an official employee. I’ll be working part-time until I take the board exam next month, which gives me some time to transition back into working. It’s been several months since I was in an orthopedic clinic, so I’m feeling a little rusty. I’m sure I’ll pick it up again quickly, but I’m still kinda nervous.
I spoke with both of my nieces (and my nephew) via FaceTime this evening, since they also start school tomorrow. My older niece seemed indifferent at best and terrified at worst about starting 3rd grade. The younger kiddo was mostly just totally stoked about starting Kindergarten and told us about how she’ll be riding the #4 Giraffe bus. It felt good to talk to them. They bring such joy into my world.
My sister also announced that she’s returning to college soon. She didn’t get to complete her Bachelor’s (she got pregnant senior year), so I would be thrilled to see her achieve that goal. She said she was inspired by my decision to go back to school to change careers, which felt nice to hear.
I also get to return to therapy tomorrow! I have a session after my HR stuff. We’re only going to have two sessions this week because of schedule changes, which sucks. We scheduled a phone session for Saturday, but I forgot that I’m co-hosting my sister-in-law’s bridal shower (oops) so I can’t do that after all. I’m actually super busy that day, so I’m not sure we’ll be able to reschedule.
I feel weird. I kept up the videos from last Friday until Wednesday. Since I actually spoke with my therapist on the phone on Thursday, I didn’t feel the same need to feel connected to her that night. The weekend was fairly busy, so I didn’t have much time to make a video privately, but I also didn’t feel like I needed them. I might make one tonight because I’m feeling a bit unsettled.
I’ve missed her a lot, more than I’m used to feeling (or acknowledging?). I felt okay about missing her, minus the fact that it was sad and painful, until a couple days ago. At that point “missing her” started to seem lame. Why did I miss her? I only had to go 11 days without seeing her! I go without seeing MOST of the people in my life for longer than that on a regular basis.
Then again, this is not a regular relationship. Therapy is different, it’s unique. Since the relationship itself is the work, it means something more substantial and intense when we’re separated from our therapists.
I feel like I’m somehow still holding onto too many things at once. I don’t know where the hell I could possibly start tomorrow. What’s most important? What would be the most effective or fulfilling to discuss? How will I possibly fit everything that feels urgent (in some capacity or another) into a mere 60 minutes??
I’d like to at least tell her about the videos I made. I’m not sure I feel comfortable showing them to her, but I’d like to talk to her about the process and my thoughts around the decisions to film them. I feel kinda shy about it, now that I’m writing about it. Will she think it’s silly? Too intimate? Too “attached”?
The difficult thing about therapy vacations is that somehow the emotions always build up and build up until I feel like I’m going to burst. Sometimes it’s tough stuff like anxiety and loneliness, but this time it’s some painful emotions plus some good stuff like happiness and gratitude. I’m excited to see her tomorrow because I really missed her. I miss talking to her and telling her everything I’m thinking and feeling.
Heck, I even miss squabbling with her.
I’m trying to stay calm and reasonable and remember how I felt the last time I saw her. Maybe I’ll re-read my posts since then and re-watch my videos to try and connect with that emotional and cognitive space.
Also, I keep wondering if I should start to scale back my session frequency. She was gone for 11 days and although I spoke with her briefly once, it wasn’t because I was in some kinda of distress, I just wanted to tell her some exciting news. If I can go this long without needing her or needing therapy, why can’t I drop down to only twice a week?
Meh, this stuff fucks with my head. I’m just glad I get to see her tomorrow and I hope our session is decent. I hope I can feel some of that connection I’ve worked so hard to obtain. I’m worried everything will feel different and I’ll hate it. I need us to just be in a regulated space for now while I make this transition.
We shall see.