Initiating Disengagement

I woke up this morning already beginning to feel crushed under the deep shame of wanting and longing for connection with my therapist (or any human being, really). I’m basically already initiating the “disengage from therapist” sequence because I’m so terrified of the space I’m in right now…probably because I love how it feels to actually trust my therapist.

It’s very scary to feel like I suddenly have so much more to lose.

But I really don’t want to back away from this.  I want to hold this space for myself and keep reminding myself that I enjoy it and it feels nice and (gasp!) I deserve it, dammit!

I’ve made couple of videos since I mentioned wanting to keep some sort of video log during my therapist’s vacation. I kinda hate them because I hate my own face and voice, but I’m trying to remember that she looks at and listens to me at least three hours each week, so she’s used to it.

I’m feeling slightly anxious that the videos are somehow too intimate to be creating, let alone bring to her to view for herself. Not sure why, and that’s probably worth exploring. For now, it’s comforting to have my phone to talk into as if she’s eventually going to hear those words.

I had this dream last night that’s been repeating in different ways. I’m in my childhood home, my parents are chasing me through the house. I run upstairs, through my room, out the window, and onto the roof of the front porch. In earlier versions of the dream, my mother would climb into the roof and reach out her hand, offering to help me. My therapist would be there, too, just standing with her arms crossed. I feel confused and angry with my mother, so I refuse her help. I hold on as long as I can, but I inevitably fall.

In last night’s manifestation of this dream, both my mother and my therapist were on the roof. Both we reaching for me and offering to help, but I couldn’t choose. I felt like it was impossible. How could I possibly choose between these two women?! So I just held on as long as I could, battling my internal chaos until I fell, yet again.

I feel like this is a fairly straightforward dream sequence, so I won’t carry-on with my analysis. But it’s certainly telling.



14 thoughts on “Initiating Disengagement

  1. Rachel says:

    It doesn’t take long for that shame to crash in, does it? It sounds like you are working really hard to hold yourself here, and stay open, as hard as it is to do. And I think that is going to serve you well. Or at least help you return to the momentum of the work when she returns.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Life in a Bind - BPD and me says:

    I love that you love how it feels to trust your therapist 🙂 I really love it too 🙂 You are doing amazingly well! And wow, that dream is definitely telling. It will be really interesting to see how it evolves over time…..I found that as my trust connection built with my therapist, my ‘traditional dream sequences’ changed too. I used to frequently dream that my youngest child (who I associate with my own ‘inner child’ in dreams) fell into water and drowned. Gradually my dreams changed to that he fell in but was rescued, and then he didn’t fall in at all…….dreams are often so helpful and I find it fascinating that our brains can work in this way! Thank you for sharing this dream with us 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Right? My goodness, when it’s authentic and relaxed, it feels wonderful. It’s like a whole world opened up to me! I’m definitely intrigued to see how my dreams continue to evolve. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. alicewithptsd says:

    You really do deserve to trust and care about your therapist. You have done nothing wrong in wanting that connection. It really does feel good to be in place where you can trust. Your therapist. Vacations are hard. It is okay, and normal to miss her, to be mad at her and to want to talk to her and connect with her. Hang on. You can get through this vacation. I know it’s not the same, but we are all here supporting you. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you so much, Alice. It feels good to hear you say that because I do struggle so much with feeling worth of connection, or wondering if it’s wrong to want that for myself.

      Liked by 1 person

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