Things have been tough.
I graduated. 4.0 GPA. I won the Outstanding Leadership Award for my cohort. My professors each made a point of telling my wife how incredibly proud of me she should be. I even went out with my classmates to celebrate.
But otherwise, everything sucks. I am so completely IN my eating disorder right now. I feel detached and dissociated from almost everyone and everything. I have to make an effort each day to make sure I actually interact with my wife in a meaningful way because it can be easy to just dissolve into the illness. It’s as if nothing else matters. I easily spend 99% of my energy on ED thoughts and behaviors.
Therapy has been empty and hollow. I am terrified to connect with my therapist because I know that intimacy will jeopardize my eating disorder.
And I am not ready to let go of it yet. I don’t know how.
Except last week I emailed her. I’m not supposed to do that, but I was willing to risk it. It worked out fine. We had a difficult session the next day but I called her afterwards and asked if she could do a longer session on Friday. She said yes, so we had a double session.
Which went well. We were able to talk about some important stuff I had been avoiding. And then in the last twenty minutes or so, I sabotaged the session. I don’t even know why I did it, but I pushed her to say something that I knew would make me feel rejected and hurt. So then it severed the connection we had built up over the previous two days.
It’s what I suppose I wanted. I brought in on myself after all. Yet still, once I realized what I’d done, I just held my head in my hands and cried.
Because although I am indeed scared that my relationship with her will interfere with my admittedly pointless quest to starve myself, I also really want to feel connected to her. I needed that and I worked hard to get it on Friday.
I had it. I lost it. I ruined it.
So now she’s on vacation for ten days and I feel so far away from her in every way. Which really sucks.
Before I left, she told me that I hadn’t ruined anything and that we’d done a lot of really good work that would pay off. She asked me to hold onto hope that we would find our way back to that space of connection and to continue to fight against the urge to isolate and disconnect from the world.
Which is perhaps why I am writing this post. I don’t write much anymore because I barely have the brainpower, but also because it interferes with my self-imposed isolation.
I wish I was better at holding onto connection. I’ve always considered myself an open person but now I am realizing that I actually exist behind a fortified wall that prevents me from actually ever feeling loved or protected or nurtured.
I deny myself so much. Food just seems to be the most obvious.