Losing Connection 

Things have been tough.

I graduated. 4.0 GPA. I won the Outstanding Leadership Award for my cohort. My professors each made a point of telling my wife how incredibly proud of me she should be. I even went out with my classmates to celebrate.

But otherwise, everything sucks. I am so completely IN my eating disorder right now. I feel detached and dissociated from almost everyone and everything. I have to make an effort each day to make sure I actually interact with my wife in a meaningful way because it can be easy to just dissolve into the illness. It’s as if nothing else matters. I easily spend 99% of my energy on ED thoughts and behaviors.

Therapy has been empty and hollow. I am terrified to connect with my therapist because I know that intimacy will jeopardize my eating disorder.

And I am not ready to let go of it yet. I don’t know how.

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