I went to a workshop at Renfrew tonight that really just solidified how badly I need ED treatment. And I want it. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. (Yet?)
I felt so sad for myself and so profoundly envious of the other women who had been through treatment and were seemingly light years ahead of where I could ever even imagine myself being. It seems hopeless. I think I would fail spectacularly at NOT being eating disordered so maybe I am just more content being really good at it? Who knows. 
But it sucks. I want what they have. I want to feel better. I just can’t figure out how to allow myself to do that. And on the opposing side, I also really want to be anorexic, which is gross and fucked up. 

Such a mess. 

15 thoughts on “Random

  1. Rachel says:

    Andi, I was just thinking about you and hoping to see a post soon. So good to see it pop up tonight.
    Have been wondering how post-school life has been.
    I think it is a “yet.” You may not feel you deserve it yet, and you may not know how to allow yourself to engage in recovery, yet. You are questioning and dipping in to the possibility, which is the first part of making the change and commitment. And with any recovery, the commitment will wax and wane and there may never be a time when you are all on board. Sending so much support and love your way. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. e.Nice says:

    It is good that you see what those women have and want it for yourself (mostly). It makes sense that you are really struggling with this. I know you don’t think you deserve it, but you do and hope you can feel that at some point. Glad you posted.

    Liked by 1 person

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