I went to a workshop at Renfrew tonight that really just solidified how badly I need ED treatment. And I want it. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. (Yet?)
I felt so sad for myself and so profoundly envious of the other women who had been through treatment and were seemingly light years ahead of where I could ever even imagine myself being. It seems hopeless. I think I would fail spectacularly at NOT being eating disordered so maybe I am just more content being really good at it? Who knows.
But it sucks. I want what they have. I want to feel better. I just can’t figure out how to allow myself to do that. And on the opposing side, I also really want to be anorexic, which is gross and fucked up.
Such a mess.