Unraveling

My therapy schedule has been changing like crazy lately because of myriad factors, mainly my changing internship schedule. 

I thought I was supposed to have session at 5:30pm today. I left clinic early at roughly 3:45pm and took the train to my  therapist’s office. I was super early so I went to a nearby Starbucks and worked on my inservice presentation. 

I wanted to get a Frappuccino because it’s “Frappuccino Happy Hour” week, but then I couldn’t justify ingesting unnecessary (and unplanned) calories, so I panicked at the last minute and ordered an iced coffee instead. 

But the barista misheard me so I was given an iced latte. That has far more calories than a simple iced coffee, so I asked for the correct beverage. Then I realized I had paid about twice as much as I should have for an iced coffee.  

I was flustered but I sat down and started to work. My iPad was open on its keyboard stand and my shaking hands then promptly dropped my cup and I spilled iced coffee all over the keyboard, the table, the floor, and myself. 

I stayed surprisingly calm while I diligently soaked up all the spilled coffee with a endless amount of napkins. 

Then I sat down and went back to work. 

I don’t remember much until 5:28pm, when a friend of mine texted me. This prompted me to look at the time and realize I had two minutes to get to session. 

Before every session, I open up iCal in the elevator and double-check my session time. 

It said 5pm. 

Fuck. 

I went into my therapist’s office and asked if I was supposed to be there at 5 instead of 5:30. 

I was. 

I started panicking internally. But I knew I only had 25 minutes left in the session and it seemed like I probably shouldn’t waste any more time. I think I was trying to force myself to be okay with what happened. But I wasn’t okay. 

I’m not okay. 

I have never done this before. In roughly 170 sessions, I have never once made this error. 

Why now? Why today?

My therapist suggested there is a deeply rooted issue coming into play here. I can’t say I disagree since we just had an extensive conversation about this last week involving her sending an email “out of bounds” with the parameters she had set. 

I told her the email made her seem unreliable and that it is very important that her words match her actions. She fought me on it at first and we spent an entire session arguing, but then she thought about it more and decided I had a good point and she realizes she needs to make sure our work stays protected. 

It was a standard rupture and repair – something we have done many times at this point. So I struggle to see how this would have such an impact as to cause me to lose time and subsequently show up for session 32 minutes late. 

I was also surprised that she didn’t reach out to me after she’d realized I was so late. She mentioned in the beginning of this session that she thought perhaps I had mixed up the times since things have been so chaotic lately.  

So why didn’t she call me and check in?

I asked her as much at the end of session and she said, “I wouldn’t do that because it is your session and you can do with it as you please…but maybe we can talk more about that next time.”

I understand her point, intellectually, but what I am feeling right now is as if she said “because I don’t give a fuck whether or not you show up or why you would be late”. 

Which really does not feel good. 

There’s so much going on for me right now emotionally. It feels like something snapped or exploded inside of me somewhere. My session ended 30 minutes ago and I am literally squatting against the wall in the lobby right now so I can write this post. I felt like I had to stop and somehow discharge some of my thoughts and emotions somewhere or else I might combust. 

Also, I need to finish my presentation tonight so I need to somehow be able to return back to baseline enough to function and focus on schoolwork. 

This fucking sucks and now I feel like this post has been about nothing. But I needed to just say what happened. I don’t know why something so simple would be this destabilizing, but it is. 

I am completely unraveling and I can’t figure out how to make it stop.