I haven’t been restricting as much. I know this is what you want but I hate it. I feel so fat. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit loser. The number is technically still “restricting” but it feels too high.
It IS too high. It’s not real anorexia. I’m on a diet. A fucking DIET! This is bullshit. I am shit. I hate myself and I hate that it feels like I’m losing control. I cannot give this up yet. I am not skinny enough yet.
I worry that this treatment is working. I worry I am relaxing too much around food. I’m breaking my own rules and loosening my grip.
And now I will get fat. I will never get to be skinny.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate everything.