Losing Control

Dear Therapist,

I haven’t been restricting as much. I know this is what you want but I hate it. I feel so fat. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit loser. The number is technically still “restricting” but it feels too high. 

It IS too high. It’s not real anorexia. I’m on a diet. A fucking DIET! This is bullshit. I am shit. I hate myself and I hate that it feels like I’m losing control. I cannot give this up yet. I am not skinny enough yet. 

I worry that this treatment is working. I worry I am relaxing too much around food. I’m breaking my own rules and loosening my grip. 

And now I will get fat. I will never get to be skinny. 

I hate you. I hate me. I hate everything. 


24 thoughts on “Losing Control

  1. ambivalencegirl says:

    I remember being mad at my T for letting me get fat. As I sat there and my emotions began to expand so did my thighs. But of course not really. And I was so afraid I would never stop eating once I started and that I would get BED. Of course I didn’t. Really my T is kind and caring (as is yours) and they won’t let us get fat. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • Cat's Meow says:

        I am struggling right now with something completely different, except for that sensation that what I need to do feels completely wrong and dangerous, even though I know that I’m being inundated with old messages that are out of touch with 2016. So I get that part of the struggle. Part of my mind knows that it’s the smartest, safest thing to do, but actively defying my father and clearly saying, “No, you can not come to visit” scares me in ways that I don’t even understand.

        Sending thoughts of strength and support.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you. Yes it really is hard to believe. I am obsessed with that number and if it is not dropping, I feel like I may as well just not exist at all. My existence feels pointless. It stinks.


      • e.Nice says:

        That does stink. For what its worth, I don’t know your number, if it is going up or down, or anything and I think your existence is meaningful. It is to me, and I know it is to people who actually know you, including Andi. But I also know how that number can feel like the only thing that matters, cause it feels like the only thing you can control. It sucks. a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        Thx. I know you’re right on some level but on another level I find it literally impossible to imagine anyone caring about me if I am not skinny enough. Dumb, I know, but true.

        Liked by 1 person

      • e.Nice says:

        I don’t think its dumb. It makes sense to me. For me, its one thing I can control, especially when everything is feeling out of control. It doesn’t feel good, but it feels right. Things quiet down and I can focus on that one thing. Then since I feel more in control and “better,” then I can imagine others could possibly like me too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachel says:

    River, it totally sucks. It sucks for a long time before it stops sucking. It is okay to protest the process, in fact, you probably should. Keep protesting and make them listen to you. You need to get it out, and cursing and getting mad it much safer than starving your body. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I really am.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. La Quemada says:

    River, I can’t come up with anything to say that will be right. I can’t really understand because I have never experienced this. I know I need to lose 20 pounds to be healthier, but it doesn’t feel that urgent to me. (You probably think that’s disgusting.)

    Anyway, it’s far too easy for me to say “oh, weight doesn’t matter.” But I can see you are experiencing lots of fear, and I can definitely sympathize with that. My heart goes out to you. Like E. Nice though, I want you to know that though I have never seen you and have no idea what you weigh, I admire you and care about you. Love, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      No I don’t think that’s disgusting because I reserve disgust solely towards myself tbh. Thx for this nice comment. I think I have to work on making an identity that is not entirely focused on being skinny or being under a certain weight.


  4. LosiLosLoco says:

    It’s OK to break down. I’m still trying to figure out who River is but, regardless, don’t feel bad Andi. Treatment is working. Just because it is, doesn’t mean you’ll up and forget about all your mistakes that made you a stronger person. Besides, venting IS a treatment. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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