Honesty

You told me to be honest. Well, you asked. I don’t know, you said something about honesty.

So I told you the truth. I said I WANT to be anorexic. I WANT to prove I am someone special, someone strong, someone worthy. I am not a “dieter” – nothing so common, so mediocre, so temporary.

You said I already AM anorexic. You brought down the DSM-V from the top shelf and read out the words that I know you don’t even believe in. You said numbers are stupid and categories are dangerous.

Still, you said that my diagnosis is anorexia. That’s what you would call me: anorexic.

But it doesn’t matter.

I am not anorexic ENOUGH. Not yet.

But then you got upset. And, yes, there IS room for both my truth and yours. You pointed out that maybe your truth got a little bigger than mine and I agree. You’re allowed to be angry that I hurt myself, but I’m allowed to feel upset about your emotions.

Because this is what’s real. This is what’s me. And if you cannot sit with that…if you cannot see me in the difficult moments that upset you…

you cannot see me at all.

-River

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21 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. luverley says:

    River you are Allowed to feel this way but the whole system needs to stay healthy. That means the body needs fuel. Please get co operation in the system so that you can guys can get through all the things you want to get through. Together. brooke 7 xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jean says:

    Boy, River, it took courage to post this. I think her, tho, everybody will say you have a right to your feelings and you will be heard.

    There’s a difference between feelings and actions, tho. I may feel like I really really want to get a machine gun and take down the whole US Congress. But I better not do it for many reasons!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Rachel says:

    Hi River, good to hear from you. Sorry you are so frustrated and feel unheard. Glad you are speaking up, and I get that it is going to take you some more time to feel comfortable. There are a lot of changes happening, and I do see you trying to work with the therapist, in your way.

    Like

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