Excited

Tomorrow I start my second clinical affiliation. I was super nervous about how I’d manage full-time clinic with therapy three times a week. Turns out the physical therapy office I was assigned to is literally three blocks from my therapist.

Huh. Interesting how that worked out, eh?

I finally got my schedule from my clinical instructor. I was originally assigned a week of mid-shifts, but I asked to switch with my fellow student so now I have a schedule that allows me to go to therapy right after my internship on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I am very looking forward to getting back into a regular routine. Therapy has felt sporadic and far away lately. We’ve been mostly puzzling our schedules together, trying to make the pieces fit as best we can. I was totally checked out emotionally during finals week, so I kinda feel like I haven’t really been in therapy since late November. We did have one phone session while I was away, but I was so distant and walled up that it didn’t really feel like much of anything.

But she came in to see clients on the 28th and that session was fruitful. I felt very relaxed and spoke openly about how much I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder. I think she was relieved that we were finally really talking about this in a way that allowed for more options. Since I was going to see my psychiatrist later that week, she asked if I would be willing to share about this with the doctor as well.

I was. And I did. To my surprise, she actually took it pretty seriously. She wasn’t alarmist, but we did talk about potential options for adding ED-specific treatment to my current treatment. I told her not now. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now. My goal is to get through school without incident. I don’t want to get too sick, but I also literally do not have time to add any more therapy!

I told her I would strongly consider going into treatment once I graduated in June. She wondered if I’d last that long before needing medical interventions.

Good question. Let’s hope not. I increased my calorie intake a little just for good measure. As attached as I’ve become to this disorder, I’m also attached to getting this degree and NOT being hospitalized.

I’m so nervous. I hope this internship is decent. I hope my CI is kind and smart. I hope I get to learn cool stuff and work with interesting and diverse cases. I hope I have enough energy to get through 40 hours of clinic a week on top of three therapy sessions, two physical therapy sessions, and one class.

I keep telling myself I’ll eat more if I need it. But I also notice that when I eat more, I respond by burning more calories. Some habits are so hard to break.

Wife and I always tell ourselves we’re excited when we’re anxious about something. The physical sensations are the same, so we figure it’s more productive to spin things in a more positive way.

So I guess I’m excited. I’m excited to start clinic. I’m excited to see how my new schedule will work. I’m excited to figure out my meals and to see if my current intake will suffice. I’m excited to start the new medication my shrink prescribed (Ritalin). I’m excited to learn more about what potential ED treatments may be in my near-ish future. I’m excited to see my therapist regularly again.

I’m excited.