A Year of Bonuses

New Year’s Eve is always a weirdly emotional time for me. Similar to my birthday, it’s a time when I feel a lot of panic and anxiety about whether or not I’ve done anything worth celebrating. It’s also a time, culturally, when we’re encouraged to reflect and make promises to ourselves about all the changes we’ll make to be better in the new year.

Fuck that noise.

It’s just a damn day. Sure, the year changes and I guess that could mean something, but is it really that much different than the day before or the day after? No.

Last year I resolved nothing. My only goal was to survive. Anything above that was to be a bonus. And in that sense, I’d say this was a year of bonuses:

I completed all of my clinical coursework, including my first internship, maintaining a 4.0 GPA and scoring a perfect 100 on my comprehensive final practical exam.

I weathered a shit ton of relational and other challenges with a new therapist who is now someone I trust and value tremendously. I saw her once a week. Then twice. And now solidly three times a week.

I finally found a psychiatrist that I don’t hate. In fact, I love my shrink. She is my favorite doctor that I’ve ever had, ever.

On that note, I learned to say that “good enough” is not enough.

And I told both of my clinicians about my eating disorder.

I got every single medical check up someone my age should have: annual physical, dental cleanings, skin check, pap smear, etc. I took care of myself when I got injured and have persisted into what is now my fifth month of rehabilitation.

I made new friends and acquaintances. Some of them I’ll never talk to again. Some will be in my life forever. But all of them made a difference in how this year went for me.

I stayed (relatively) connected with the people I already love and enjoy. This is always hard for me because I struggle so much with self-worth. But even through the shame and chaos, I found time to reach out and remind each person just how much they mean to me.

I got to live another beautiful, wonderful, joyous, fun, adventurous year with my amazing wife who is the literal greatest human ever.

I got back into running, got re-injured, and then re-started running yet again.

I balanced a schedule of school, clinic, therapy, physical therapy, homework, marriage, friends, exercise, and sleep.

I earned scholarships that pay for my entire education and was invited to a prestigious leadership conference.

I served as the leader of my class and organized both fun and necessary activities to support our program for the last six months.

I attended and then later facilitated a support group for other individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I helped my niece obtain much needed support for her increasing anxiety.

I got a killer haircut and finally figured out my personal style.

I took breaks when I needed them.

I nailed my headstand in yoga.

I started this blog!

So all in all, I’d say it was a pretty damn good year.

 

Happy New Year xo