A Year of Bonuses

New Year’s Eve is always a weirdly emotional time for me. Similar to my birthday, it’s a time when I feel a lot of panic and anxiety about whether or not I’ve done anything worth celebrating. It’s also a time, culturally, when we’re encouraged to reflect and make promises to ourselves about all the changes we’ll make to be better in the new year.

Fuck that noise.

It’s just a damn day. Sure, the year changes and I guess that could mean something, but is it really that much different than the day before or the day after? No.

Last year I resolved nothing. My only goal was to survive. Anything above that was to be a bonus. And in that sense, I’d say this was a year of bonuses:

I completed all of my clinical coursework, including my first internship, maintaining a 4.0 GPA and scoring a perfect 100 on my comprehensive final practical exam.

I weathered a shit ton of relational and other challenges with a new therapist who is now someone I trust and value tremendously. I saw her once a week. Then twice. And now solidly three times a week.

finally found a psychiatrist that I don’t hate. In fact, I love my shrink. She is my favorite doctor that I’ve ever had, ever.

On that note, I learned to say that “good enough” is not enough.

And I told both of my clinicians about my eating disorder.

I got every single medical check up someone my age should have: annual physical, dental cleanings, skin check, pap smear, etc. I took care of myself when I got injured and have persisted into what is now my fifth month of rehabilitation.

I made new friends and acquaintances. Some of them I’ll never talk to again. Some will be in my life forever. But all of them made a difference in how this year went for me.

I stayed (relatively) connected with the people I already love and enjoy. This is always hard for me because I struggle so much with self-worth. But even through the shame and chaos, I found time to reach out and remind each person just how much they mean to me.

I got to live another beautiful, wonderful, joyous, fun, adventurous year with my amazing wife who is the literal greatest human ever.

I got back into running, got re-injured, and then re-started running yet again.

I balanced a schedule of school, clinic, therapy, physical therapy, homework, marriage, friends, exercise, and sleep.

I earned scholarships that pay for my entire education and was invited to a prestigious leadership conference.

I served as the leader of my class and organized both fun and necessary activities to support our program for the last six months.

I attended and then later facilitated a support group for other individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I helped my niece obtain much needed support for her increasing anxiety.

I got a killer haircut and finally figured out my personal style.

I took breaks when I needed them.

I nailed my headstand in yoga.

I started this blog!

So all in all, I’d say it was a pretty damn good year.

 

Happy New Year xo

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23 thoughts on “A Year of Bonuses

    • Andi says:

      Aw thanks, Q! Headstand always frightened me too. My yoga teacher said to me “You can do it. You can. You just don’t trust yourself enough to try.” She was right. So I started practicing against a wall at home and then with mats at the gym. I even practiced falling so I’d know what to do if I lost my balance haha. The first time I went up and held it in class I nearly cried with joy. I was genuinely proud of myself 😀

      Like

  1. Rachel says:

    You are inspiring to me! Thank you for sharing this post, so full of self-acknowledgment and honoring accomplishments you worked very hard for. This all happened because you made it happen. I think you’ve successfully pulled out of that period of despair you were in a few years ago. While I think it is easy to focus on what isn’t right or working or all the work ahead, I really like how you focused on all that is working now. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jean says:

    I’d say that is damn awesome! If I had done all that, in one tiny year, I would feel I had to do just as much, or more, the next year, or I would be a failure. (I am very good at ruining a good thing. :-((( )_

    Maybe your New Years Resolution could be to kick back and relax some? Can you imagine crossing off your to do list — do nothing for ten minutes?

    PS Thank you for being so open and sharing it with all of us

    Liked by 1 person

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