New Year’s Eve is always a weirdly emotional time for me. Similar to my birthday, it’s a time when I feel a lot of panic and anxiety about whether or not I’ve done anything worth celebrating. It’s also a time, culturally, when we’re encouraged to reflect and make promises to ourselves about all the changes we’ll make to be better in the new year.
Fuck that noise.
It’s just a damn day. Sure, the year changes and I guess that could mean something, but is it really that much different than the day before or the day after? No.
Last year I resolved nothing. My only goal was to survive. Anything above that was to be a bonus. And in that sense, I’d say this was a year of bonuses:
I completed all of my clinical coursework, including my first internship, maintaining a 4.0 GPA and scoring a perfect 100 on my comprehensive final practical exam.
I weathered a shit ton of relational and other challenges with a new therapist who is now someone I trust and value tremendously. I saw her once a week. Then twice. And now solidly three times a week.
I finally found a psychiatrist that I don’t hate. In fact, I love my shrink. She is my favorite doctor that I’ve ever had, ever.
On that note, I learned to say that “good enough” is not enough.
And I told both of my clinicians about my eating disorder.
I got every single medical check up someone my age should have: annual physical, dental cleanings, skin check, pap smear, etc. I took care of myself when I got injured and have persisted into what is now my fifth month of rehabilitation.
I made new friends and acquaintances. Some of them I’ll never talk to again. Some will be in my life forever. But all of them made a difference in how this year went for me.
I stayed (relatively) connected with the people I already love and enjoy. This is always hard for me because I struggle so much with self-worth. But even through the shame and chaos, I found time to reach out and remind each person just how much they mean to me.
I got to live another beautiful, wonderful, joyous, fun, adventurous year with my amazing wife who is the literal greatest human ever.
I got back into running, got re-injured, and then re-started running yet again.
I balanced a schedule of school, clinic, therapy, physical therapy, homework, marriage, friends, exercise, and sleep.
I earned scholarships that pay for my entire education and was invited to a prestigious leadership conference.
I served as the leader of my class and organized both fun and necessary activities to support our program for the last six months.
I attended and then later facilitated a support group for other individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I helped my niece obtain much needed support for her increasing anxiety.
I got a killer haircut and finally figured out my personal style.
I took breaks when I needed them.
I nailed my headstand in yoga.
I started this blog!
So all in all, I’d say it was a pretty damn good year.
Happy New Year xo