Neutral

Things are going a bit better in therapy. Thankfully.

I didn’t really have much of a plan to resolve the mess my therapist and I found ourselves in a few weeks ago. It sucked. I hated every moment of it. But it somehow seemed necessary. It seemed like a place we needed to be in together.

And, in some ways, we’re still there.

But it’s better.

For several sessions, I just talked about whatever came up for me. That was sometimes superficial topics and sometimes deeper and more intense issues. She was supportive and thoughtful in her responses. I was able to get through a lot of important material that I’d been wanting to discuss, but didn’t get around to processing. We tend to spend a lot of time processing our relationship, so sometimes smaller things get left behind.

It wasn’t wasteful or tense. I actually feel like the past couple of weeks have been tremendously productive. And I’m impressed that we’ve been able to work together so well despite the ruptures and difficult emotions between us lately.

But it doesn’t surprise me. She’s a good therapist. I’m a good client.

I think we needed this time. I told her a few sessions back that I wanted to keep showing up and doing the work, but that I needed it to be neutral. I didn’t want to try talking through what happened between us or hash out the details of our dynamic for a while. I just wanted to be in that space with her and allow us to work together.

I needed her to re-earn my trust. I needed space.

She was on board with that and I can tell she’s been using the time wisely. I see subtle, but crucial shifts in the way she responds to me. It’s clear that she’s been really thinking through what happened and the role she played.

I’ve been doing the same.

I suppose in some ways we’re doing the work apart, but together. We’re both constantly evolving and shifting in response to each other, but for now I just need that to be something we don’t necessarily talk about with each other.

I’ve had enough words. She needs to show me that she’s going to be able to respond to my needs and keep me safe. They say “time will tell” and so far, time is telling me that she is still with me.

She’s still here. And we’ll be okay.

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11 thoughts on “Neutral

  1. Rachel says:

    I’ve had my eye out – checking every day – so good to hear from you. Also love your strategy – work through the relational stuff without making it so intense by speaking directly to it. Glad it feels better. Rooting for you. Caring for you. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. e.Nice says:

    Really happy for you. I think the little things end up impacting the big things so its a good way to rebuild any relationship. Ebbs and flows are natural, I don’t know why it feels so amplified in a therapy space, maybe because of the increased vulnerability there? I tend to just want to give up when something sucks, so your statement of ” I wanted to keep showing up and doing the work” is pretty inspiring. I guess showing up is a big part of the work 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. audreeee says:

    I’m so glad to hear that things are on the mend between you and your therapist. I hope she can continue to show up in the ways you need and deserve her to. I look forward to seeing this evolve. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. La Quemada says:

    I’ve been thinking about you and am glad (and relieved) that you are getting something useful from therapy. When you and she are ready to talk about your relationship again, whenever that may be, I bet you will find that this period will have deepened the relationship in a way that talking about it directly perhaps could not do. Sending you hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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