I Called Her

I did call my therapist to follow up on the email fiasco. I told myself all day that I wouldn’t call; I would just suffer until Friday and deal with all of this during that session because that’s what I deserve.

But then I met with the lady psychiatrist and she was wonderful. She really listened to me and she had a great way of explaining how medications should and should not impact the body. She seemed unfazed, yet empathetic when I told her about my DID diagnosis. She asked for as much detail as I was comfortable giving. She wanted to know about my personal and psychiatric history and then agreed that we would start with what’s most pressing right now and address those symptoms. She was personable and her office has a cozy, welcoming vibe to it. I felt very comfortable talking to her and I left her office with a sense of hope and optimism that I never feel around psychiatry.

Plus she agreed I should go off the Lamictal (yay!), she renewed my other prescriptions and added Zoloft to try and help ease the overall anxiety I feel. She said if that doesn’t work, we can try another SSRI or possibly a stimulant to help fight dissociation and allow my traumatized brain to function better in a “top down” manner (which basically means firing up the frontal lobe, where we make all of our adult decisions).

Regardless, she listened. And that means everything.

So I guess I was in a pretty good mood afterwards, which helped me find the courage to call my therapist and leave a voicemail. I explained that I didn’t send the second message and asked that she call back if she thought we should talk about this before Friday.

She called back thirteen minutes later. I went through the story again.

I added that the reason I’d had to cancel Monday’s session was because I needed medication and the only appointment available with the psychiatrist I wanted to see was at that exact time. Then I told her that the voicemail I’d just left was one of the hardest I’ve ever left on someone’s inbox. She asked me what was hard about it and I told her I was afraid she’d be pissed at me or not believe me and think I was just bullshitting her.

She said that when she’d gotten the message, she’d suspected that another part had sent the email. Then she said,

“So I’m not pissed, but we do need to address this. We need to find a way to communicate to the system because this does directly undermine our work. And we should also talk about how it’s not okay to cancel our sessions for a doctor’s appointment. We need flow and continuity and that’s hard to do if the work is interrupted. Plus I didn’t even know you were looking for a new psychiatrist, so we should discuss that, too.”

I just started crying. I was speaking so fast, trying to explain that I’d only made that appointment because I didn’t want to run out of medication and that I’d never cancelled before despite my insane schedule, so I clearly DO understand the importance of flow and consistency in therapy and I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.

I was so afraid of this happening when I sent the original email to cancel Monday; I knew she’d think it wasn’t a great decision on my part. And it wasn’t the overall best choice, but it was the best I could do with my circumstances at that moment.

She responded and said something about it not being disrespectful; she didn’t perceive it that way. She just thinks is something we need to talk more about.

Honestly? She may as well have just told me she hates me and never wants to see my wretched face again.

She was in-between clients so I knew it would be a short call. I spent most of those seven minutes crying and apologizing before she had to go. I sense that she hadn’t expected me to be as emotional as I was. Neither did I. But I also didn’t expect her to be as firm and cool as she was. She wasn’t angry or punitive, but she has clearly been impacted by all of this shit and the ever so slight shift in her tone is totally making me panic.

Regardless, I got my Wednesday morning appointment back so I guess we can finish this conversation then. That is, of course, If I’m even allowed to go there. And if I don’t die of humiliation beforehand.

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29 thoughts on “I Called Her

  1. dianetharp70 says:

    I’m glad you got off to a welcomed start with your new pDoc. Compassion , understanding, being well schooled & empathy goes along way. Yay, happy for you Chicka! As far as the therapist fiasco thing goes, there’s only so much you have control of and/or handle. Hang in there! Big hugs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. J says:

    So glad the psychiatrist was a good experience. I hope she can be helpful!!
    Sorry to hear about the therapist situation. I can definitely understand why you would feel humiliated and panicked. I think I would feel really ashamed. Your therapist has been able to work really well and connect with you in panicky situations in the past, though. Hopefully this will be one of those times and you both will be able to communicate and connect well on Wednesday. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Boost Connection says:

    IMHO, you made the right call all around- meeting with the psychiatrist, canceling Monday’s sesh, calling the therapist, rescheduling Wed’s sesh.

    I understand your therapist’s position and she’s not wrong or anything, but imho therapeutic continuity only matters if your basic physical and other needs are being met too. Your physical and emotional health are dependent on things like managing anxiety, getting enough sleep, etc. Also, it’s your right not to run every decision by her.

    You’ve never cancelled before and I think she needs to better understand that balancing your priorities is important. You’ve shown yourself to be a responsible and thoughtful person and client. Timely with payment, respectful of time, on top of your schedule. You did the best you could and it’s enough.

    My thought is that she probably feels maintaining clear and firm boundaries is important for the whole system. The part that cancelled may not do that again if her actions are disapproved of by the parameters of your relationship. Smart. So I imagine treating all of you the same is key to that, regardless of the reason for canceling.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of, but a lot of stuff that is worth a conversation together. You’ll get through this, my dear. Really, you will.

    Also, SO glad you liked the new psychiatrist! What a positive experience. Being listened to is incredibly important. Brava to you for trying someone new and not settling for mediocre! High five!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. SassaFrassTheFeisty says:

    So glad you called your therapist. These may seem like teeny tiny steps, but they are huge when you look at your overall goal. Good job, Andi, for recognizing those emotions.
    It’s wonderful to hear you felt so comfortable with your new psychiatrist. I hope the med tweaks help!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Rachel says:

    Aww, Andi. I’m feeling for you. You are so earnestly working on your healing, and doing the very best you can. You have a VERY demanding schedule, and sometimes, something has to give. I agree with Boost Connection; you made the call that served you for what you needed. Of course missing a session isn’t ideal, and you don’t like doing that. I know your therapist will understand when you can actually talk on Wednesday, and this will get sorted out. I like her a lot, and trust her to be able to help you two navigate this. Hang in there. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you for the support. Sometimes I feel SO guilty when I have to change anything within sessions, but I really do try my very best to keep things consistent. Because honestly that feels better to ME than jumping all over the place. I like her a lot, too. Even with all of this crap, I still really like her.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. e.Nice says:

    I’m glad you had a good interaction with the psychiatrist and that boosted you enough to make that call. Totally understand why that call would be so difficult. I don’t think you make any of these therapy decisions lightly, and it was a good decision given the circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sirena says:

    I would have all sorts of reactions to being told that it’s not okay to cancel for a dr’s appointment. That is not her call to make. And she should know well enough how commited you are to therapy and of course it was unavoidable. And as far as i’m concerned your physical health comes first. Her response was far too parental for me. Yet I can kind of see why she did it, parental might be good for you just now, but it just seems very unreasonable to expect that you don’t look after your physical health first.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      I agree. I understand that therapy requires a certain amount of commitment, but so do the other aspects of my life, which are also very important to me. There are so many reasons I haven’t talked to her about the psychiatrist yet and I wouldn’t have CHOSEN to bring it up with her this way, but that’s how it happened. But I also think she’s trying to set boundaries with me for the sake of setting boundaries with ALL parts, in an effort to prevent more of this type of sabotaging/meddling.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. ambivalencegirl says:

    Breathe Andi, breathe!!! I’m waiting to hear how your appointment went this morning. I didn’t know about stimulant meds and dissociation. Makes a lot of sense. At some point I really do want to reconsider meds. I think I need to feel unmedicated for a while longer and then decide. Glad you liked this new psychiatrist!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Anxious Mom says:

    I’m so happy you found a psychiatrist that both seems competent and that you’re comfortable with! That sucks that the therapist responded that way about the one canceled appointment for an urgent psychiatrist appointment. I’d have thought she’d be more understanding. Maybe that wouldn’t be her go-to reaction if not for the part canceling the other one? Good luck with her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thanks, me too. It is honestly such a relief and I already feel less bitter and resentful when taking my medications. It really does help to feel like the person prescribing these medications is someone I can trust. And, yes, I think the unexpected Wednesday cancellation probably threw her off even more.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Amb says:

    I’m really glad that you clicked so well with the pdoc. I’m glad you were able to get that appointment.

    If it’s any consolation, I think you made the right decision. She is the professional in this relationship, but ultimately, you are in control of your healing. You knew that you needed a new pdoc and yoh made that decision and found one. It’s not like you stopped going in general. Also, it’s not uncommon for psychiatrists to be cold, uncaring assholes, so she should really understand how hard (and important) it is to find a good one. I’m really sorry that she was so harsh. I don’t think it was her intention, honestly, but I do think that she was a bit more harsh than she needed to be, especially over the phone when you didn’t have adequate time to talk it out with her. Again, I’m so sorry. It sounds like it was a really rough conversation. 😦 sending you tons of love and hugs. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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