Sabotage

I’ve been trying to find a new psychiatrist lately. I don’t really like the one my therapist referred me to and I hate paying $300 per session when I have insurance. I’ve been looking for someone that my plan will cover and found three possible options. 

I made one appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but the customer service from her office manager was so abysmal, I could not see myself getting adequate care. If you can’t even get patient care right from the very first interaction, I’m not going to trust you with my mental health.

Then I found a DO (doctor of osteopathy) and he seems better, but he’s more of an addiction specialist. However he’s also trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy, so I sense that he’d have better interpersonal skills than my current shrink. I also found a female doctor who does psychotherapy as well. She’s not offering those services at the moment, but I don’t need them so that’s not a factor.

When I was trying to set up appointments, the female doctor didn’t have any openings for consultations, so I just made an appointment with the DO. When I checked her availability again, she had an opening for Monday at 4pm and then nothing else for the month. I talked it over with Wife and we decided it was best for me to take the consultation appointment since we didn’t know when this doctor would have another opening in her schedule. I can see both prescribers for consults and have a couple of possible options moving forward. 

Unfortunately, Monday at 4pm is also exactly when I have therapy.

I emailed my therapist on Saturday and explained that I’d needed to make a doctor’s appointment and the only time available within the next month was during our Monday session. I didn’t tell her it was with a psychiatrist because I don’t want her to know I bailed on the other guy. I offered some times before and after 4pm to demonstrate responsibility and investment, but I assumed she wouldn’t have anything open on such late notice. We’ve already had to reschedule my Thursday appointment this week to Wednesday morning because of a mandatory meeting regarding one of my scholarships, which was really stressing me out, especially since she doesn’t normally work on Wednesday mornings.

She wrote me back an hour later and said she had no other times available on Monday so she would see me on Wednesday morning. Alright, fine. That’s a little disappointing, but not disastrous. I did, however, start to worry she was pissed that I blew off her appointment for another one, but whatever. Nothing we couldn’t talk about next session.

But then this morning I got another email from her that just says,

I will see you on Friday.

WTF?! What happened to Wednesday?? 

I was freaking out, wondering why she’d pulled that session. Then, once my heart rate slowed down and I could actually think, I realized it seemed a bit strange that she sent such a short, vague email about something very important. IF she WAS pulling my session, she probably would have called to explain why. I doubt she’d behave in this manner, so I could not figure out what the hell was going on. I was so upset and my mind was just spinning.

Then I scrolled down.

In the email thread attachment, I found a message sent to her later yesterday evening, apparently in response to her saying she didn’t have a time for Monday:

No problem, I figured as much with such a late cancellation. I don’t want to do a Wednesday session. Friday is still fine though.

Well that certainly explains her confusing email; she was responding to my second email. There’s only one problem with that:

I did not send that second email. 

This is a mess. I have no idea what to do. I should probably talk to her about this, but I can’t bring myself to reach out again. I am not sure she’ll believe me. I’m not even sure I believe me. I keep wracking my brain, trying to remember if I wrote her back. I know I was very dissociative yesterday and, as I mentioned, anxious about her coming in for a Wednesday morning session, but I still wanted the damn session. 

Now it’s gone and I can’t help but feel like this is all part of a greater plan to sabotage my therapy.

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42 thoughts on “Sabotage

  1. SassaFrassTheFeisty says:

    Oh dislike 😦 You are doing your best to be proactive, so hang on to that. I hope you email her ASAP to let her know you don’t remember sending the email and feeling dissociative, even though I know you feel so upset-which is warranted. You are doing good, Andi, compared to when I first started following you. And you have Wife to support you, and I’ll send some pixie dust to calm your nerves 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • mythoughts62 says:

        Nothing too interesting, just longer periods of time. I’ve lost whole days where people tell me I’ve done all these things, and I don’t recall them at all. Fortunately not recently. It usually at work. I’ve been on disability for years now. Something weird that may or may not have been disassociation happened recently. I’d been ordering my favorite sandwich from a chain restaurant for a long time. Then one day it came with lettuce and tomato. I’m allergic to them. I took it back. They said I had to order it without them, they were standard on it. But I don’t have the slightest memory of ordering them that way. I’m sure I remember ordering the sandwich without mentioning no lettuce and tomatoes. Yet, quite clearly the menu showed lettuce and tomatoes. Disassociation? I wouldn’t think so, but what could it be? It’d be such a trivial slip, except I order that sandwich at least once a week and had been for a long time. Did I slip in from an alternate universe? 🙂

        Like

  2. Rachel says:

    Yes I agree with everyone else, your wife included – tell your therapist what happened!! She will understand. She *knows* you, and *cares* for you. She is on your side. She will believe you, just like everyone on here believes you. Confronting their behavior is part of not allowing the alters to control your life, yeah?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. La Quemada says:

    I agree with the others–please let her know what happened. She will understand.

    I am also looking for a new psychiatrist. It is very hard to find options where I live. After two and a half hours on the phone Friday, I still have to do some more paperwork to *maybe* get a 1-time consult/second opinion on my current meds. I think something is not right with my current combination of four medications. It’s challenging but we need to advocate for ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you. I will tell her eventually, for sure. Well, I will try to tell her. I’m so humiliated now that I kind of just want to pretend this never happened. Oh man, that is so much work to find a psychiatrist! It’s super frustrating to me that there is such an air of authority in psychiatry and that to question that or ask for alternative input is somehow an acting out behavior. Which makes it so challenging to advocate for ourselves and also makes it all the more necessary to do so! Best of luck with your search.

      Liked by 1 person

      • La Quemada says:

        But dear Andi, why should it be humiliating for a symptom show up that your therapist already knows you have? A symptom or alter is a normal coping mechanism you developed and evidently one that even now wants to protect you from being too vulnerable. Your alter is your friend (even if you don’t like everything she does).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        I’m not sure. I think the reality of this disorder and how little control I have at times is paralyzing me. I’m frightened to move at all. I understand you and I would certainly encourage that kind of compassion if someone else was in this position. I want to find compassion. But all I can feel is fear.

        Like

  4. Jean says:

    Andi, I don’t think your alters are trying to sabotage you. If they were they would do a far better job of it. I mean, I bet all your alters are capable and intelligent (or almost all.) Certainly a sabotaging alter would not be a doofus.

    This is the kind of mistake anybody, even intelligent capable monominds, could make. Especially with a schedule as complicated as yours. I don’t know how you keep things straight, even with Wife and your calendar and index cards and etc.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jean says:

    PS I don’t know how your therapist keeps it straight, either. When I was practicing, I twice double scheduled and it was awful. I had to reschedule one person — how could I choose? But I had to. Maybe I should have offered to see them both at once or I should have given them a half hour and made up the half hour later. I am still upset today.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Karen Beth Courcy says:

    OH MAN, I can totally understand how that would be confusing!! I would call her and explain just what you wrote here!!! if you have any kind of dissociation, she would understand that maybe you sent that email out of a subconscious guilt for having her come in on a day she doesn’t normally come in. Call her, speak up, get that session for yourself on WED and talk about it. If she is a great therapist (which I am sure she is), she will understand how this confusion happened and I am sure she would be happy to talk about it with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thanks, Karen. I do have an extensive history of dissociation so she may suspect that something fishy is happening. Thanks for the support and encouragement!

      Like

  7. Amb says:

    I am so, so sorry that this happened, Andi. I really hope you’re able to reach out to her and let her know what happened. YOU deserve the care and support of your therapist, not matter what another part may be trying to tell
    You. You are doing so well. You truly are invested in your own healing and it’s such an inspiration to read. I’m sending yoh so much love and hugs and I’m hoping that you’ll find some peace in the upcoming week. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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