I really miss my therapist today.
I saw her in session yesterday for two hours, but today I miss her. I don’t normally feel this particular sensation; it seems lonelier and more bereft than my ordinary “I miss my therapist” emotion.
It feels like I’m actively grieving.
I think part of what’s happening is that the conversation we had yesterday about phone contact and enacting tighter boundaries around the work we do outside of session has triggered me. I absolutely understand the reason she wanted to talk about this issue and I appreciate that she’s genuinely trying to protect me and our work.
But still, I think something has shifted in a way that leaves me feeling more inhibited in the relationship than I want to be. I feel abandoned by her. I feel like she’s been taken from me in some way.
Prior to yesterday’s session, I felt as though I’d arrived at a place in our relationship that made me feel rather comfortable about reaching out to her. She’s always emphasized that I don’t need a “good reason” or a justification for reaching out to her; I can call simply because I want to connect with her.
I think those feelings of security and ease are why I was okay emailing her on Friday even though she didn’t call me back Thursday night. I felt safe enough in the attachment to believe that she wouldn’t hurt me. Not so much consciously (because I was imagining that she hated me), but subconsciously enough that I was actually able to send the email and ask for extra session time despite not hearing back from her the night before.
I’m sure if I asked her, she’d say that she maintains the opinion that I can call whenever I need to connect with her and that she wants to support me. The problem, however, is that I don’t believe it. Not really.
Something about simply having that conversation causes me to feel very small and pathetic. I feel embarrassed about reaching out to her and needing her. I feel ashamed of myself for bringing so much of my thoughts and feelings outside of our work in session and putting her in a position to have to re-negotiate our boundaries.
I know that it’s her job to do this, but I didn’t want her to have to do this. I didn’t want her to feel like something about us connecting outside of session needed to be adjusted or modified. I didn’t want to feel like something about me needing her is causing us to change the parameters around our relationship.
I hate it.
And now everything feels different. I haven’t needed to call her since yesterday, but whenever she comes to mind (which is fairly often), I feel this sense of incredible sadness because I think that if I did need her, I wouldn’t call. Not anymore. It feels too charged now and there’s too much risk involved.
I hope that changes soon. I hope we’re able to work through some of this relational stuff over the next few sessions in a way that will help me arrive at a similar place of trust and ease that I was feeling before yesterday’s session.
I really, really need that back.