Still Alone

I published my last post six minutes before I had to be in session.

I sat in a Starbucks with my iPad and just wrote down what I was feeling as fast as I could and then hit “publish” right before standing up to go to my therapist’s office around the corner.

The next thing I remember is laying on her office floor. She told me it was the end of my session and reminded me that we could have a double session on Monday. She asked if that’s what I wanted to do and I just mumbled something. I had no idea what the hell to do or say and I was in a lot of questionable pain. I felt so helpless. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to know what the hell had happened! Plus I had no idea how I was going to get myself home.

I honestly wanted to jump out the fucking window. It took everything I had to not scream and break everything in that office. I don’t even know why I would do either of those things, but it took a lot to NOT do them.

I can’t remember shit about much of the afternoon and evening. I know my head hurts and my injured hip is killing me – it feels like my leg was pulled out of the damn socket and pushed back in. My throat is killing me. I’m wearing lipstick I don’t remember putting on and I have a bag of makeup from Sephora that I don’t remember buying and there’s food in my bag that I was supposed to eat but clearly never did.

My wife happened to have her break at the time I got out of session. When she texted me, I pulled it together enough to make my way to her job, but I was so in and out that it’s all super fuzzy. She talked me down a bit and we agreed I should call my therapist.

I didn’t even know why I was calling but I did and left a voicemail. She called back one minute later. The reception was shit for both of us, probably because there was a torrential downpour outside, and I was sitting in a public retail store in the middle of Manhattan, so I wasn’t sure what to say.

I had no words. No voice. No thoughts or feelings. I heard her voice and I just went blank. Then I felt terrified and that made it even harder to speak. She said something about calming the system and reaching out to someone else. She said I didn’t have to talk about what was happening right now, but was there anyone I could talk to that would just help me feel grounded?

I thought, “Yes, of course. You want me to call anyone but you, right?”

Not in a defensive, angry way but more in a sad, “This is probably another beginning of another end” kind of way.

Regardless, it was a completely non-productive conversation and she only had like four minutes so that was that. She said she had to go and I hung up without saying goodbye because if I’d said goodbye, I think I would have broken into ten million pieces.

So here I am, alone yet again with all of this shit.

I needed her. I needed to talk to her. I needed to connect with her.

But no. Nothing. I got nothing. And I don’t even know why. WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT?!

It’s been a long time since I lost an ENTIRE session. I’ll frequently lose minutes here and there, but it’s mostly me.

Yet today, when I so desperately needed my therapist, my own self denied me the chance to meet that need. Some part of me blocked her from me and that is just an impossible thing to even comprehend.

WHY? What the fuck is going on?!

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26 thoughts on “Still Alone

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    This is not good. She has a responsibility to you and your system. She should have told you what happened during the session. She should have grounded you back to the present five or ten mins before the session ended. I think this kinda thing is not ok hon. That level of dissociation is so very scary. I’m relating to you a lot. Things like what you just described often happen to us too. Eileen always always fills me in before I leave on what took place. Its the fair thing to do. Hugs hon I am so sorry your so alone with all this. XXX

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Oh man. That’s alarming. I mean, I guess I kinda feel the same way, but it’s hard to hear someone else say it. I don’t think she means to leave me like this, it just happens. We haven’t yet figured out how to do this work, obviously. I am so frustrated and I feel so very helpless. Thanks for the hugs and support though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachel says:

    Andi!! Fuck, this sounds so awful. I’m sorry things are so chaotic right now. If I was a person in your real life and time zone I would hang out and watch a movie with you tonight so you didn’t have to be alone. (hypothetical, hoping I’m not coming across as creepy). I just get this, the feeling of trying so hard to get relief and not getting it. And being at a total loss for how to move forward. Sending all the support and care that is virtually possible. Also I did do an actual loving kindness meditation and wished you to be free from harm and to be free.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you, my dearest. I would totally hang out with you and watch movies (not creepy at all, it totally made me smile). Thank you for your kindness and love and support. Sometimes I feel like I’m more connected to you than most people in real life. Ha.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rachel says:

        Oh good! 🙂 I feel the same way. xx

        I also wanted to add in some validation for you and what happened in therapy – I completely understand if your therapist isn’t available. I do think that there needs to be some degree though of safety planning, or discussion around how you will cope. Leaving you in such freefall of distress isn’t sitting well with me. I have always admired how hard you push yourself to reach out when you need it (and I know it is a NEED), but I think part of that responsibility is on her, in session, to construct your therapy in such a way that HOPEFULLY you aren’t needing to reach out so much because you are getting skills and grounding inside sessions. Not that reaching out is bad or anything like that (hopefully you understand what I mean), but lately you’ve been needing her outside of session a lot. And that raises a question in my mind as to what skills and coping are being practiced in session. Sessions aren’t just talk and be vulnerable and exposed and walk out – you know? And that part of it is on her to devise as she assesses appropriate for your needs.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Rachel says:

    Well really, I would hang out with you even if you weren’t feeling so bad. Just because you’re pretty cool. Just not wanting to reinforce only receiving what you need when in crisis. You know? OK, done now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. luverley says:

    Ok guys sometimes it’s hard for us to find out the things that the part told the t. She has to decide whether it’s OK to tell andi. She also has to take into account the part that talked to her. They may have said something that andi will not be able to cope with and she needs the double session to fill in. There may be lots of reasons. Also andi have you asked your therapist to ground you and tell you what the parts say. I’m sorry this is shit but the reason they took what they did for us to survive was so we would survive. Sorry if I’m jumbled.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      I think she is being cautious about what she shares and about how she approaches this. She doesn’t want to shift the system into further disarray by betraying the part that came out, but she also doesn’t want to promote destruction or secret-keeping.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ellen says:

    Maybe this is a bit of a new experience for the two of you, so she hasn’t yet worked out what to do in cases like this? I do think it would have been a lot more helpful for her to ground you and bring you back, and fill you in a bit, then check in later. And the phone call was really a miserable experience for you also. Yikes. I think you’ll be able to work something out though once you have a chance to discuss. Sending you stable peaceful vibes…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yeah, we’re definitely still finding our footing with this and figuring out how we work together in moments like this. I sincerely hope that tomorrow’s session allows us to work through this well. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. La Quemada says:

    It would have been better if she had called you and said, “I called right back because I am concerned about you, but I don’t have much time to talk. I will call you again at [whatever time]. In the meantime, is there someone there who can help ground you?” I do think she called back so fast because of her care and concern for you, but when she saw how hard it was, I think she didn’t handle it well. It sucks, especially after such a scary experience, but it doesn’t mean her care for and attachment to you is not there. It is, I’m sure.

    I’ve never lost a whole session, or found myself with things I don’t remember buying. It’s got to be frightening. I hope she does a good job processing this with you on Monday and also making a safety plan should it ever happen again.

    I wish I were around to help comfort you in person! Sending hugs, Q.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      I agree. That definitely would have been a more reassuring response. I think she was struggling a bit with how to react post-session. She seemed nervous or helpless. Or maybe I’m projecting.

      I definitely hope we can process this well tomorrow. I really need that to happen.

      Thanks for the hugs and kindness xo

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sirena says:

    Oh that sounds like a terrifying experience. And so confusing and disorientating and reading that, I had a strong sense of you not being safe. I worry that you were left floating about the city while in that state. I also agree it wasn’t well handled but I imagine your therapist will come to that conclusion too and come up with ways to limit that happening again and keep you more contained. I wonder if it’s possible for you to go sit in a quiet room in her vicinity after something like that until she can spend some more time with you or just keep an eye on you? Be gentle with yourself over the next few days x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      She does let me hang out in her waiting room, but not with the intent of us speaking again. More as a place for me to collect myself before re-entering a bustling metropolis. But I hate her waiting room because she shares it with other therapists and there’s always clients and clinicians coming in and out. Plus it’s very bright and stimulating, which is the opposite of what I need in those moments.

      It was definitely terrifying and I hope she and I are able to figure out a better way to keep me (us) safer when things like this happen.

      Like

  8. Amb says:

    That sounds like a really scary session.. The level is disassociation is definitely frightening for me and I’m not the one who had to experience it, so I can’t even imagine how terrible it must have felt for you. I definitely think that your T could have handled that phone call a lot better. It seems like maybe she’s still learning a bit, too. It doesn’t make her short comings less hurtful or damaging, but I truly hope that you can see that they have nothing to do with your value! I don’t think that she didn’t want to talk to you. Quite the contrary, actually. She just made a poor judgment choice in the way that she handled not having enough time in that moment. Sending you lots of hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      It was for sure scary to come back and be in that situation. I HATE it when that happens. I think she could have handled it better too and she probably feels the same way. I guess this is just an imperfect process that will fall short sometimes. We’re still figuring this out and I know she’s trying to understand the best ways to support me. Thanks xo

      Liked by 1 person

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