It’s Not Fine

My therapist called me back this morning a few minutes after I arrived at my internship. I (obviously) could not pick up the phone. She left a voicemail saying that she was unable to return my call last night, but that if I wanted to call and speak before our session later, I could do that.

Since I had my internship until 2pm, that was not possible. But I can text and email from the clinic, so I shot off a quick email and asked her if we could add some time to today’s session. She emailed me back a little later and said that she didn’t have any extra availability today, but she does have time open after my Monday session, so perhaps we could do a double session then, if needed. She added that we could talk about this more in session.

I wish I could say I’m reacting to all of this in a mature, self-loving way.

Nope. Not at all.

I’m not angry with my therapist because I totally get that she won’t always be available to me and I’ve never asked for longer sessions before, so I don’t even know what I was expecting from that question. But the mind-reel is running and filled with all sorts of negative things.

Since this is the first time she hasn’t returned my call the same day, I’m wondering if she is somehow testing me.

Maybe she wants me to practice sitting alone with my shit instead of calling her. Maybe she wants me to practice feeling whatever emotions come up when she’s not available within a few hours. Maybe she figured there was only one day between sessions so I should be fine. Maybe she just wanted to see what the hell would happen if she didn’t call me back.

Most likely, she had dinner plans or whatever and was literally not available. But that doesn’t matter to my traumatized brain. All I can think is that this means something! What that “something” might be is not totally clear, but whatever. I’m going to stress out about it anyway.

I don’t even know what to say to her today. My instinct is to say, “Oh it’s fine that you couldn’t call and we couldn’t have more time today” but that’s just not true. It’s not fine. It’s not okay that I had to hold onto all of that awfulness by myself and that she wasn’t there. It’s not her fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not anyone’s fault because sometimes the world just works like this. Sometimes we have a need and we can’t figure out how to get it filled. Sometimes we’re left alone in this shit.

And I feel so alone. I opened up this space inside myself that is ugly and horrible and scary. I didn’t mean to, but I did and so maybe it was meant to be opened. Perhaps it is meant to be seen right now, despite my insistence that this is a really bad time. Because let’s face it, it will never be a good time. I will never find a time that works well for me because I am too terrified. So it’s just happening on its own, seemingly independent of me or my needs.

I shared (part of) that with her, which was kind of nice actually. But the moment I walked out, I become acutely aware of how much this is MY trauma and MY baggage. No matter how much I talk about it and open up to share and process whatever went down in the past three decades, when all is said and done, I am entirely alone in it. It’s mine and mine only.

I am the only person who will always have to hold and carry this.

And that is just not okay. It is not fine.

Advertisements

31 thoughts on “It’s Not Fine

  1. luverley says:

    It’s not fine andi not at all. I sit here with you in this time. I wish I could help. Things come at the worst time but like you said when will it ever be the right time. Hugs. I’m sorry you couldn’t get what you needed then and there. Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. stuffthatneedssaying says:

    I think I understand. I have a very hard time calling and asking for help, which my psych APRN and therapist both know, so today when I called BOTH of them and didn’t really get any help I felt like they were doing it on purpose because they thought I was attention-seeking and not really having a problem. And yes, the problem is something I can continue to hold onto by myself, but it’s a really big thing for me to reach out for help and it frustrates me that I didn’t get a different response.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, it’s super frustrating when you need help so badly, but it’s just not available. It’s so painful. And for me to EVER make that call always means that I really need her. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Like

  3. Cat's Meow says:

    No, it’s not ok or fine. It’s awful that no one can change that it is the burden that you have been forced to carry. There have been times when I have been angry that all of my support people can walk away from it when they want to, because it isn’t really theirs.

    However, the more times you experience deep connection and support in relation to the abuse, the more that you will be able to build an on going sense of connection and support, even when no one is directly around. It isn’t fool proof, but it helps so very much!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    I hope you can discuss all this with the therapist. Its not ok. You shouldnt have had to feel and be alone in all this traumatic shit. It took courage to ask for extra time. Well done for doing such a big thing. Not an easy step to take. XX

    Liked by 1 person

      • manyofus1980 says:

        I know. I had to ask Eileen if we could have a next recession on the week of Halloween yesterday, I was so scared to ask, and I know her for three years, three whole years, still I felt like I was doing something wrong in asking, look early she was really receptive and said yes

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        I’m glad you asked her for that. I know that’s a hard time of year for you. Thanks for sharing that with me. Three years is a while and I know you trust her, so it feels good to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • manyofus1980 says:

        I do trust her and yesterday I took our trust to a whole new level, I was finally ready to be able to do that, she jokingly said it only took three years, am I off probation now? No, she’s so funny and cute

        Liked by 1 person

  5. La Quemada says:

    It is so incredibly unfair that other people caused you this pain, and yet you have to bear it. It just makes me furious that it’s not the abusers carrying the trauma.

    You are very mature to recognize that your therapist can’t be there for you all the time; it’s not her fault. And yet you also give yourself the right to feel very upset about it. Of course it’s not okay to feel overwhelmed and have to wait to access your best support.

    Asking for extra support is very hard. You know I’ve struggled with that, too. I think I expect no one will really be there for me, and so I’ll just be disappointed and embarrassed for even asking. But asking is taking care of ourselves. I know it feels far away, but your therapist offered you a double session on Monday because she heard your pain and wanted to give you something more. She cares deeply about you; I see it in your writing.

    In the meantime, over this difficult weekend, post a lot. I will be glad to respond, and others will too, and maybe that can help you feel just a little bit less alone. Love, Q.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Thank you, Q. This comment is so much of why I kept writing throughout the weekend, despite wanting to retreat into isolation and let the negativity drown me. I really appreciate your support xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sirena says:

    My therapist always says to me, ” that bag you’re carrying is theirs, their stuff, not yours. Why are you carrying it all?” or ” Are you ready to put down that bag yet? It isn’t yours to carry.”
    We were made to carry all their projections, all their pain and possibly trauma and as children we didn’t have any other choice but we are adults now, and the work is to learn to put that shit down. So yes you are carrying it all, all by yourself just now, and it’s yours and your alone but through healing you’ll learn to put that heavy bag down and not carry it anymore. You won’t always feel this pain in the same all consuming way, you won’t always hold on to these traumas like an unwanted gift. And until then you have your therapist to walk beside you and cheer you on. And this community.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Your therapist makes a very good point. I AM carrying around a lot of shit that doesn’t truly belong to me. I need to learn to let that go. I just worry if there is any of “me” left underneath everything they dumped on me. Thanks for the support.

      Like

  7. strangelings says:

    It is very hard to carry these things alone. My old therapist (one who retired) wasn’t all that great at returning calls quickly and things- but over time I would do things like write her paper letters or emails- and she also grew to know me and know how *even for a trauma survivor* some of us have a harder time reaching out than others, and that if I’m *asking* for help it means I already really need it.

    From my experience, you do still have to live with it, but the level of being alone with it- lessens, with others who will stand there with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Writing this blog has a similar effect of holding her close to me when she’s not available. I think it keeps the connection alive and helps the therapy feel real when it starts to feel far away from me.

      I look forward to the lessening part. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. myblackspotblog says:

    I agree with everyone else here. It is impossibly hard to carry all this shit around, I completely identify with that. And I get SO angry that my therapist is the only one who can bring me any comfort and she is not always available. I also get angry that she can’t take it from me. She always says she is alongside me etc., but she isn’t. Because when I leave her, I take it all with me and she returns to her life. It is frustrating and impossible and I am so sorry you’ve had to feel so alone. Sending positive thoughts your way x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, exactly. I want to hear that she’s with me in this but then I resent how untrue that really is. Because when we separate, it is just me. Thanks for reading and sending positive thoughts xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Rachel says:

    I responded to “Still Alone” one before this one – hmm, I really empathize and relate to it not feeling okay and having to hold it all in just feeling unacceptable and unbearble. And as everyone else has already said, everything that happened to bring on this trauma response sure as hell wasn’t okay. I wish I had a better grasp on this seemingly shift in her response time/ not responding to you. I am not sure what is happening, but I want to validate that I can feel there is a shift. Not sure if that is right or resonates. But its what I feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      I appreciate your comment about wishing you had a better grasp on the shift in her. It makes me feel much less crazy that someone else is picking up on that (even if it IS via my own words). In our last session, I started to get a better sense of it. I’m still working through it all, but I’m going to try to write about it more. I think she feels it, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Amb says:

    You are right. It is absolutely not fine. We shouldn’t have to deal with this shitty, painful baggage at all, but definitely not alone. It sucks and it’s not fair. I’m really sorry that she couldn’t give you what you needed in the moment. You deserve to not feel alone. Sending lots of hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s