Don’t Panic

Today I had a difficult session.

I started talking about how my cousin ran into my biological mother on Monday. She texted me and I felt all the things about it. I told a story. That story turned into another story and another story and then I was talking about the last time my father raped me and how that date is the same date this therapist and I met for our first session and I wore the same shirt today that I wore that day and there were all kinds of feelings and thoughts and after I met her that day I met another therapist and I cried for the entire 45 minutes and shouldn’t I feel something about all of these stories?!

I felt okay while I was talking. Sort of. Spacey, I think. I was really trying to connect with the emotion. I wanted to. I wanted to feel rage and horror at what had been done to me. It was so close, that emotion, but so far away from me. I deserve that rage. But I can’t feel it.

I am frozen.

When I walked out, I knew something was wrong. I felt unleashed, uncontained, ripped wide open. I felt like I’d been cracked open, my raw heart beating to the world. So vulnerable. So exposed.

It felt wrong. I did something wrong. I said something wrong. It’s all wrong.

I am wrong.

I saw my wife during her break at work. I was upset and talking fast. She asked if I wanted to call my therapist later. I did want to call her, so when I got home I left her a voicemail. I asked her to call back if she was available.

She was not available. She never called.

She’s never NOT called before.

There’s rational and then there’s irrational.

I’m just trying not to panic.

It’s fine.

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18 thoughts on “Don’t Panic

  1. La Quemada says:

    Andi, dear, you are not wrong. Vulnerable is painful and scary, but it isn’t wrong. On the contrary, it’s healing though in the moment it doesn’t feel that way. I hope your therapist has called you back by now. But if not, remember she is devoted to your healing. She is there for the long haul. She cares about you. And I do too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sandra says:

    Your words “I am wrong.” Isn’t it interesting how that’s our go-to? You are nowhere near being wrong. Being victimized is wrong. And if you can’t feel rage it’s because your mind is protecting you. But you know all of this, and I’m just putting in my two cents. You take care. Hope you’re doing better by the time you read this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, actually, it really is interesting. Says so much about how we were treated growing up. Our first instinct is always to turn that negativity inwards. I’m sure my mind is protecting me (it does that very well) and I want to try and honor that and work on being patient. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Like

  3. Rachel says:

    I am hearing how much is happening right now inside you, and it is all so real and legitimate. Hoping you can find some compassion and tenderness for yourself. Thinking of you. Glad you wrote this out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thanks, Rachel. I tend not to write from such a raw, vulnerable, sort of “unedited” place because I’m a perfectionist and I worry about sounding stupid in my posts. So thank you for saying you’re glad I wrote this out. I really needed this support.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rachel says:

        You are most welcome – I totally know what you mean – the posts that are least ‘scripted’ are difficult, but often the ones that are most beneficial. Something about writing out the jumbled emotions helped clarify and move them along. At least that is my experience. Or at the very least, receiving that empathy and compassion from team WordPress is a comfort too. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. alicewithptsd says:

    You aren’t wrong, and you did nothing wrong. That feeling off too much emotion but can’t quite feel it is really hard to deal with, because you feel so raw but the feelings aren’t close enough to work through. I’m sorry. I know how bad it feels to be waiting for therapist to contact you. She does believe in you and she does care. Can you maybe call again tomorrow or read some old posts to remember she is on your team? Sending lots of support. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amb says:

    You absolutely aren’t wrong. Feeling raw is overwhelming and scary. I’m really sorry that she didn’t call you back when you needed her. Sitting here with you virtually. Many hugs, dear friend. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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