Ready to Run Away

Therapy has reached a point where I just want to run away.

I can’t really explain it. Nothing happened, at least in terms of the work. We’ve been trying to work through all of the post-MRI triggery nonsense to figure out this hidden memory or alter or whatever.

Lately, I’ve been getting so mad at my therapist. Or something similar to mad. I’m so irritated – with her, with myself, with the commute to her office, with the office itself. Everything grates on me.

Everything feels wrong.

I’m not really mad or irritated with her personally. There’s just something about the essence of her and her role in my life that makes me feel super out of control.

There’s so much internal chaos right now and I feel awful.

I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel like I am dying. Or frozen. Or dying a slow, freezing death. I often journal, either in an actual journal or on my iPad. Lately, I’ve just been writing the word DEAD over and over again, with no idea why.

Emotionally, I don’t know what I feel. I think I should feel…sad? angry? helpless? scared? Something that would match the physiological sensations that are so distressing? I know I feel something, but my ability to articulate that seems to have been taken from me.

(Another hint that whatever is trying to reveal itself is being matched by a force that has equal motivation to NOT allow this thing to be revealed. Always fun times with DID.)

My brain is a foggy mush. I probably need a lot more sleep, but my body never seems to want that to happen. My wife ordered me a weighted blanket today, so I’m cautiously optimistic that will help with my insomnia.

I got home from a concert around midnight on Thursday night. I have our mail key, so I picked up the mail on my way in. There was a single envelope in it, addressed to me from some random address in Boston.

Without even opening it, I knew what it was.

And I was right.

It was a $7k bill for my stay at the residential trauma program that I attended for two weeks LAST Fall. Yes, eleven months ago. This is all related to the same insurance nonsense that gave Zooey the perfect excuse to bail on being my therapist.

It would seem the insurance company is still battling claims from last year. And if this goes back even further, I’ll end up with a bill for my three day inpatient stay last August as well as many physical therapy appointments and regular physical check-ups.

And worst of all, I will get a bill from Zooey for every single appointment we ever had.

That part is less about the money and more about the idea of having to interact with her at all for any reason, even via snail mail. Not to mention the fact that I’ve spent many hours and several thousand dollars in therapy trying to recover from all the fucking damage she did. The thought of paying her roughly $6,000 for betrayal and abandonment makes me want to vomit. Ugh.

Hopefully that won’t happen. But with all of the things that have been going on this week, that was the final straw that led me into full meltdown mode. I started panicking about money and decided therapy should be the first expense we cut back.

What do I need it for anyway?! I went without therapy for most of my life and I’m fine. Why must I indulge in this abstract treatment? What am I doing spending all of this money???

I desperately wanted to bail on therapy. And this was the perfect excuse. But then I became worried at how desperate I was to back out of this relationship and this work. However, rather than formulating a plan on how to execute my escape, I sent this email at 2:08am on Friday:

Do you happen to have any open sessions today (Friday)? If so, can I please come in?

I don’t have clinic yet (starts Monday) so anytime would work.

Also: It’s late (or early?) thus I felt weird calling to leave a voicemail. Since this is scheduling related, which is within email parameters, I thought that might be better. And less awkward.

But you can call me to respond if that’s easier for you.

She wrote me back later that morning:

I can see you tonight at 6.  Would that work for you?

Yes. It would work. So I went to that session. My 4th damn session this week.

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24 thoughts on “Ready to Run Away

  1. jbuchana says:

    Wow, 4 sessions in a week. I used to be able to do that, back when I was first Dx., but the mental health care around here has deteriorated to the point that if you can get a session every 4 weeks, you’re doing well. I really don’t want to see my therapist that often, but it would be nice to be able to see him a little more often, especially when I’m in crisis.

    Does the “DEAD” refer to emotions? Just a wild *ss guess…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      I normally have three, but this was an added session. Four times a week is exhausting! I’m sorry that you don’t seem to have access to more frequent treatment. As far as the “dead” – I’m not sure. It’s still very confusing to me. And, to be honest, I’m terrified of what it may mean. Thanks for commenting!

      Like

  2. sassafrassthefeisty says:

    I think writing “Dead” over and over might be the overwhelming feeling you have to all that’s happened this week in therapy. You felt so much so fast that it’s put you into shock, you can’t process it in any manner-let alone a healthy one-this you feel the “dead” or numb feeling. I have no idea the trauma you’ve been through-nor can I ever imagine it, but you have survived, you were even MORE proactive about seeing your therapist Friday-great job on not backing out!-and you are traversing a mountainside at an almost 90degree straight up wall.
    You need the therapy more-money be damned-and you are making PROGRESS! You deserve huge kudos for that.
    Just know you aren’t alone when you want to run away from it all, and you are surrounded by a group of people that get the numb/dead/too many emotions to pick one out of the hat.
    Very very proud you went on Friday. Great job Andi ❤
    Oh-my son has sleep issues and wraps himself up in his blanket like a burrito and at one time slept with 4 blankets. The weight helps to feel comforted and safe. Hope it works well for you 🙂 {Hugs}

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yeah, I think that might be part of it, too. This week was definitely overwhelming and I felt like I was just slammed with a bunch of awful things. Thank you for supporting me on the money thing. I suppose, on some level, I know that this is a worthy investment, but it can be hard to hold onto that feeling. I hope the blanket helps me too! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • sassafrassthefeisty says:

        I can’t being to imagine how overwhelming it has been, but I know that numb, dead, empty feeling well. You’re welcome. I know that when I had to choose between therapy and meds or food for the kids, kids always won out and then I suffered and I wasn’t a “there” parent. You have ALOT of work to do, and you are doing it. Even in the short time you’ve been with your new therapist I’ve seen positive growth 🙂 Keep working! And I hope the blanket really works well for you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Spacey Tracey says:

    Andi, I really hope you can stick with this even though something so hard is coming up and its painful, causing difficult symptoms and might even get worse before it gets better. The therapist you have seems very capable and good at what she does from what you describe and a good experienced therapist is hard to find, as you know quite well. The finance issue is tough though, and stressful. But don’t downplay the importance of therapy in your life. For instance it is cost effective if it keeps you out of a treatment facility. Having to go in-patient can be so life disruptive, which again, I’m sure you know. So it could really be worth it. Have you ever tried EMDR? I have had such amazing things come up and eventually lead to some resolution of traumatic childhood experiences. It is hard, it took me a year to trust my psychologist enough to really go through the process. Repressed memories continously have come out during the process but because youre removed from it, like watching it from inside a passing train or on a t.v. screen you are somewhat insulated from the pain. Some memories have even been helpful. I have a lot of hatred toward some young parts (for example the cock-sucker father fucker) that have, in my head, done really gross sexual things and blame them even if they were like 4 when it happened. It was a memory that came up during EMDR which was the first time I could see the girl as little and faultless and trapped and felt compassion and not hatred for her. I have a hard time sometimes not going into the actual memory but my therapist is really very good at reminding me that I’m safe and just watching and not really there. If she sees me starting to dissociate she often gets very creative about bringing me back. She once said “here catch” and suddenly tossed a dry erase marker at me. The first time that she did it it completely caught me off guard but it worked! Suddenly I was very present and just laughing…thought it was so funny that she sort of throws this dry erase marker out of nowhere and hits me (though not hard at all). Afterward she let me keep it and and it lightens my mood. I tell her now to do that when I’m fading and every time I just laugh again. The EMDR is hard, but it is working for me. It is not however, by any means, the only thing we do. Some therapists become obsessed with it and use it as the only tool. In fact we don’t do it really all that often because it is exhausting hard work. But when we do… it’s been very effective. I was just wondering if it might help at a time like this but of course I don’t know if your therapist is trained…just an idea to ease your pain. You can’t quit, your blog depends on it and you have very supportive followers who would miss your posts!

    Liked by 2 people

      • Spacey Tracey says:

        To be honest I have been terrified for years to put info out on the net. My step father was prosecuted but acquired a VERY prominant attorney in this state and paid for the three hour commute to our small town all the while playing poor while my MATERNAL grandparents made his vehicle payments. It worked however in that the small town prosecutor gave a plea and my stepfather served a year for trying to insert a curling iron into me in the 9th grade He is a soldier of fortune type with massive gun collection and hidden assets and shady associates he would meet at the gun range in the city. He does scare me and I always thought he would kill me as a child. Probably of greater consequence than incarceration was the loss of his well-paying engineering job. He ended up a truck driver. Enough to cause great bitterness. My name was changed and with him being a very very smart man, I was instructed to not put out identifying info that could be traced to me. So, for years i wouldn’t even have an email address fearing he could track me. Even now I have refused Facebook because they ask for my d.o.b. and that just seems so scary. I know now that today it is impossible to be untraceable but I think it has been somewhat effective over time in that when I search myself all info is about two addresses behind where I am now so I am glad that I was cautious. But the point is I refrained from social media and have very little experience. I feared the internet and social media so I just haven’t done any of these things and I wouldn’t even know how to set that up. I must admit that after seeing andi’s posts, it has made me think about documenting my sessions even if only for myself. Just because of the tendency to quickly forget even powerful moments. My therapist and I were looking for something she had written into a note and she was reading bits and pieces of past sessions to me and I was surprised at how quickly the info escapes you. So, is it difficult to start? I feel flattered that you are interested. I saw on your blog that there is so much there, as well that I relate to.

        Liked by 2 people

      • ambivalencegirl says:

        It would be very difficult to open up in therapy with that kind of pressure and fear. I despise court and it’s all a big game of who has a bigger and better attorney. And yes, it’s easy to forget what each session entails and I’m so glad I’ve documented mine because it helps to see how far I’ve come. Glad we can relate! Thank you again.

        Like

      • Spacey Tracey says:

        Yes, I am finding quite the community thanks to something I must have googled that led me to your posts. I am so shocked to see that my struggles are not so atypical at all, as I once thought they were and that others are on this same treacherous trail as well. I was laughing at the post today when you asked the therapist if she was mad at you. I am constantly asking that at least a couple times per session. Not that in itself it is funny…it is sad that we are so sensitive about rejection….but sometimes you have to laugh at these things, either that or completely go nuts. So, i am glad to be overcoming this fear which has kept me isolated from what feels like a sisterhood of survivors!! Thank you Andi!!

        Like

    • Andi says:

      You make a lot of good points. Eh, I tried EMDR several years ago but it just triggered me and it was a bad experience. I need to work on exploring memories without getting totally lost in them.

      And yes, my blog does depend on me staying in therapy (which is something I considered when having my tantrum about quitting, haha!).

      Thank you 🙂

      Like

      • Spacey Tracey says:

        That makes me sad to hear. I had a former therapist who used emdr just after the first two trainings and without much practical experience and it didn’t go well either. For the first year I refused to do it with this therapist as a result. With much much encouragement I finally tried it. She is so experienced and has kept it so safe for me, even if she has to throw markers at me..LOL!. Don’t ever completely give up on the idea though because the research is very promising as more and more time goes by. And I certainly don’t consider the fears that cause you to consider quitting to be any kind of a tantrum! Even if you were just joking when you said it. Typical people think of therapy as some kind of magic…you go and and you do this and you’re better…NOT TRUE! (well maybe It is for little trauma issues, but not for big trauma). It is such a painful process and the hardest work you will do in your whole life, second only to surviving the original trauma! Who wouldn’t consider quitting from time to time?

        Like

    • manyofus1980 says:

      Tracey, hi. I have did too. and ptsd. I also do EMDR with my trauma therapist. But like yours, mine is real good at being creative. She knows when we are switchy, or dissociative, and does all sorts of things to bring us out of it. If you’d like to read my therapy updates, I can add you to my updates list. Can you email me either way? my email is manyofus1980@gmail.com
      I’d like to connect. Thanks. XX

      Like

  4. ambivalencegirl says:

    You know I struggle with so many of the same sorts of issues. And the $$ is actually one of the more complicated ones. Besides the obvious financial strain there is so much more…and the guilt and knowing my family needs the $$ and here I am still messed up in my head but yet I’ve spent thousands of $$ trying to get better (and I have but I there’s still a long way to go). Honestly the money is also part of my trauma and I’ve never talked about that before and how it relates to abuse and my mom and ughh. But I also start to get depressed thinking about it and when the bills come in I want to hide or die because I just can’t deal with an added stressor. This is partly why I am switching therapist–because I can’t do $150 per session and I need therapy in order to stay well and functioning.
    So I am rambling but I wanted you to know I am here and that I really do understand. The weighted blankets are great, I have made them and really it is more than helpful…💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes! Gah! I worry SO MUCH about what my therapy expenses are doing to my family’s financial situation. I worry that my treatment will end up preventing us from being able to do things we want to do and I’ll feel even more guilty and horrible for it. Money is also part of my trauma – my family used money as a tool for manipulation and control and it was something I was always panicked about from early childhood.

      I hope my weighted blanket helps, too! Thanks xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jean says:

    For me, Andi, it is confusing because the memories come in segments. And usually the emotions come first. So, if it were my flashback, the feeling of being dead and my brain being mush would be what I felt/thought at some point during the abuse (torture) during my childhood. It might linger for a very long time (oh joy) and then something else would come along, perhaps body sensations, perhaps an intrusive thought, which might be a memory of something they said. And so over time the memory would piece itself together.

    I once had a body memory coupled with feelings that made no sense and lasted for three whole months. Only then did other pieces come along until it was a whole memory, with a before, during and after. If this is a memory trying to swim to the surface, I hope it won’t take nearly as long!!!

    The insurance company….it better have a damn good reason for refusing to pay your bills from last year. Or rather paying them and then taking back the money. Lawyer time? Class action time? As if you had energy to deal with this on top of everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you for sharing that memory process with me. That is very similar to how I experience the uncovering of memories. I feel like this one is taking longer than usual and being a little more evasive, if that makes any sense? As if there are diametrically opposing forces working equally hard to bring it forth and hold it back. I feel so much push-pull and it’s exhausting. The “dead” component…I mean, my instincts tell me that at some point in my life, I may have experienced a death/revival or near-death experience that split off a “dead” alter. Or something. Idk, that doesn’t even make sense, but it’s what my instincts tell me.

      And, yes, I absolutely plan on fighting the damn insurance company. Grrr!

      Thank you.

      Like

  6. Anxious Mom says:

    I hate so much that you’re having to deal with that financial stress on top of everything else. Those numbers really show just how out of reach mental healthcare is for most people. I hope things work out for you so that you aren’t stuck with a huge bill from Zooey/have to deal with her office. ❤

    Like

  7. Rachel says:

    I feel a lot of tenderness for you right now. You’re working so hard and have had so many odds stacked against you, yet here you are. Staying and pushing through the fear, even when it doesn’t feel right. When nothing feels right. Xx

    Like

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