Alright. So at this point I’ve missed three normal sessions due to vacation. Today would have been my third and final session for the week. Which means I now only have to wait as long as I would usually wait from a Friday to a Monday session.
No big deal. I can do that.
I am totally over this break, though. I’m still feeling (mostly) emotionally neutral about being away from the therapist. But there’s a reason why I’m in therapy thrice weekly and although that reason has always seemed abstract, I’m beginning to feel the very real side-effects of not having treatment. It’s hard to explain, but there’s an overall sense that things are beginning to pile up.
I do a lot of talking and processing in those three hours. Beyond that, the therapist does a lot of helping me to contain the intensity of my life. When I share my thoughts and feelings with her, I also get to offload some of that onto her. Or, rather, onto the “space”. It’s as if there’s a box (or jars) that we use to store particularly difficult stuff between sessions so that I don’t have to hold onto it alone. Which is nice because having a place to keep the extra hard stuff allows me to go through life without utilizing a ton of energy on containing and managing it. I have more mental and physical energy to do normal, everyday things.
However, part of why the therapist suggested an increase in session fequency is because new things come up so often for me. So although the previous material is safely stored away, there’s nowhere for me to put the new stuff that has started coming up since last week. I can feel tension building up in my body; my headaches are becoming more frequent and persistent; time is slipping away from me; it’s becoming more and more difficult to sleep – I was up until 6am
last night this morning.
I don’t even know why. I can’t remember why. All I know is that my brain and body refused to sleep. It’s possible that another Part was agitated or simply wanted to watch Netflix. Regardless, this is what happens when I can’t contain things – I lose strength and the System falls into chaos because I cannot be the leader I need to be. Then it creates this cycle where I become more and more vulnerable and thus less and less able to function the way I need to.
It is not fun.
So although this break has been an emotionally stable experience as far as the relationship is concerned (which has also been quite enlightening), I am very much ready to get back in treatment.