It’s now more than halfway through this therapy vacation and I’m not sure what I feel. I know I don’t feel the level of intense emotions I normally feel around this. And I’m not completely numb about it (although I sorta feel like I’m moving in that direction).
I’m mostly apathetic, I think, which is one step above numb and somewhat unsettling to feel.
It’s a difficult state to explain, really. I don’t miss the therapist. And now that it has been nearly a week without any contact at all, I realize I don’t miss therapy. I definitely thought I would feel differently about this and it bothers me to feel indifferent to a process I have been so invested in.
I’m still invested in it. I just feel completely pulled out of it, which was initially rather jarring and is now making it hard to remember what it felt like to be in it at all. The more days pass without it, the more I begin to wonder how much I really need this therapy stuff after all. And the further I get from the therapist, the harder it becomes to remember what I found useful about that relationship. It’s hard to remember her at all.
I suppose this is fairly common for me. When I look back at my relationships, I have a habit of feeling this way. When people are part of my routine life, they are front and center – so important, so involved, so relevant. But the further apart we get or the more time passes between connecting, that harder is becomes to reach out to them. It feels increasingly difficult to remember why I enjoyed their company and it becomes increasingly more attractive to just, you know, NOT reach out to them.
When I do see or talk to them again, I suddenly remember exactly what I love about them and I laugh at myself for being so silly and not reaching out sooner. Until a few days pass and then a few weeks and then a few months and I’m right back at that same point where they are now irrelevant.
I obviously have no object constancy.
Hopefully this is just a side-effect of having a therapy break and once I’m back in session again, I will pick up (mostly) where I left off and all will be back to normal.
If not, well, we’ll probably have a couple of rough sessions that won’t feel good for either of us. I’ll need to rebel a bit against the process and she’ll need to be patient with me and let me work through the emotions of feeling abandoned and thus emotionally fleeing the relationship for the sake of self-preservation.
Which, in case anyone has forgotten, is where Zooey failed spectacularly.
Four days left.