Even though I see the therapist three times a week, the time between sessions still feels eternal. Although sessions have been super challenging lately, I appreciate the way she responds to me. She never seems overwhelmed or intimidated by my story and she works so hard to hold and contain the awfulness of it all. And when she can’t do that, she tells me that and asks how she might be able to do it better (meaning I’m probably not letting her in enough to share in some of what needs to be contained).
I honestly vacillate between wanting to pull her closer to me (emotionally) and push her away as hard as I can. Sometimes, as session is closing and I’m walking out, I think, “Omg, I’m never ever coming back here. This sucks. I hate this and I hate her.” Until I get enough distance from the intensity of the emotion and then not only do I decide I should definitely stay in therapy, but then it becomes this very long, very painful process of waiting until the next session.
Then, of course, the session is only 60 minutes. Which, I know, is plenty, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem long enough. It has been so rare for me to be in the presence of someone who really listens to me and is working every second to attune to me and figure out what my needs are. She can’t always do that, of course, but I know she’s always trying and when she does meet my needs, it’s great. It feels like I am finally important and worth being taken care of and seen. Which is ultimately the same reason that I decide to terminate therapy at the end of every session. I can’t bear the thought of being seen. And the reality of it all makes it frightening to realize I can lose all of this in an instant. It’s all so damn confusing.
I have been so spacey and dissociative lately that I don’t really even feel present in sessions. Plus Julia went to the last session, so I missed out on that entirely. Which sucks. And now I feel super awkward about going to tomorrow’s session because it’s so weird to see her after I’ve lost time (especially if some of that time was when I should have been with her).
It’s just so hard, all of this. I want to get better and heal so much. I think I’ve found a really wonderful therapist who will (probably) be able to do this for the long haul. The work has been important and meaningful. But it’s all just so painful, especially the eternal time between sessions, when I wonder when she will realize she absolutely does NOT want to do this anymore and walks away.
I just wish I knew a way to hold onto her and that feeling of being take care of in the time in-between sessions when I am so scared and it’s hard to remember that she exists and will still be there when I walk into her office for the next session (which, let’s face it, is never more than 71 hours away).