Weirdness and the Chosen One

I (Julia) went to session today. For a lot of reasons, really. We met a new shrink yesterday and I did most of the talking. I knew the therapist would want a recap of how that went, so I thought it would be easier for me to answer that question. Also, I cut myself last night and I knew Andi would tell her. It seemed like that would be better coming directly from me. Plus I haven’t fronted for long periods of time in a while so I also thought it was about due time that I step up and give Andi a break.

But, man, I remember why I don’t host anymore! Just getting through a one-hour therapy session was exhausting! Within two minutes I was all fidgety because I was trying to just sit in the chair like a normal person instead of on the floor, where I prefer to be. I told her this and she asked me why it was weird to sit on the floor. I guess it’s not, but most people probably just sit in the chair. The chair itself is a cue to what’s normal. She agreed, but said that perhaps sitting in the floor is unusual or unexpected, but that doesn’t make it weird. I told her she was obsessed with normalizing everything. She countered and said that perhaps I am obsessed with pathologizing everything. Touché.

Halfway into it, I looked at the clock and yelled out, “Oh my god! It’s only been 30 minutes!” and she looked pretty not impressed by that statement. I explained that it’s very hard being in therapy and that I was also super tired. I was worried that I would switch to someone even more difficult and then she’d be stuck with them.  She asked me what was hard about being in therapy and I said it wasn’t so much therapy as the having to be calm and normal for an entire hour. I was very nervous that I would do something to cause a switch or flashback. It’s very tiring to constantly have to be on alert for incoming messages from Parts. Plus, when you’re fronting, nothing you do is ever right because it always ends up pissing someone off.

I told her the shrink was fine. I’ll probably write about that more in a separate post (once I come up with a clever blog pseudonym) but he was fine. She asked a lot of questions and I made her laugh a lot because I can be funny when I’m not being a raging bitch. I told her that the first thing he asked was if he could speak with her, which was weird. She said she thought it was good because he was being transparent and demonstrating a willingness to collaborate with her. I mean, yes, but I wasn’t expecting that. So I said, “Okay, maybe it wasn’t weird but just unexpected. But also – I don’t always mean something is bad when I say it’s weird. So, you know, sorry if my vocabulary is not sophisticated enough for you.” But she said “weird” is fine and I should use the words that feel true to me and she will be more mindful that weird can mean a lot of different things, which I thought was nice.

Then we were done talking about the doctor and I told her I had two things we could talk about next. I said I’d present them to her and she could choose one, but then I said she probably wouldn’t choose and she’d ask me which felt more important to me to discuss. I said, “So…we can either talk about how I cut myself last night or how we had a dream that you sexually assaulted us in this very office.”

She said, “Those are two very important things and I want to hear about both of them, but you can start with whatever feels most important to get to right now.” I laughed because that’s almost exactly what I said she would say and then I told her that and I said, “I could pre-transcribe these sessions!” as a joke but she got offended. I was like, “Why are you offended? It was just a joke because you said what I said you’d say” and she said that it seemed like a contemptuous statement. So then I didn’t want to talk about either thing because  who wants to open up to someone who thinks you’re a contemptuous jerk?

But I didn’t want to just sit there so I told her that I wasn’t being contemptuous and that actually I was wicked frustrated because it seems like the very things that I use to try to connect with her are the things that upset her. She said that was VERY important information to have and now that I’d said that, she could maybe see what I was talking about. I still felt weird so I didn’t want to talk about the dream, but we talked about some other important stuff like the cutting. I said it’s just what I do when it’s too loud and the Others are being assholes and also because I hate myself.

I told her people often think I hate everyone else, but I don’t. I don’t hold that kind of anger. I hold self-loathing. She asked me if there’s anything I like about myself and I tried, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything. She said that she likes how brave I am because it takes a lot of courage to hold onto all of that self-loathing. It was uncomfortable. Then I remembered that when Zooey made me go to the Trauma Center, I felt different. I said that when I was there, I felt like there was maybe a chance I could be different and feel better. She said we could do some work with that stuff (meaning DBT), but I was like “Uh. No. Now all of that just reminds me of that fucking bitch” and she said, “Alright. Maybe not now then.”

Then we talked a little more what my job is in the System and how pissed I am that Andi thinks we’re all lying even though I understand why she needs to think that right now. She asked me what advice I would give Andi for helping her deal with the new memories. I said I wasn’t sure because I have never been good at emotion regulation, but that I would tell her she is not alone and I’ve got her back. The therapist said that was a very compassionate statement and she noticed I can be very protective of Andi and I was like, “Well yeah. I love her. And of course I protect her. That’s my job.” Then I said I know it’s hard for Andi, but it’s also important that she knows what happened. The therapist asked me why and I explained that things will never calm down inside if she doesn’t.

I know Andi feels like the odd one out. Because there are basically two teams and she’s not on either one of them. She’s the mediator: the offical, the umpire, the referee, whatever metaphor suits your fancy. So she can’t be on a team and that sucks, but that’s her job. I think when she sees that better, she won’t be so upset all the time. She needs to be the one that unites everyone else.

She’s the Chosen One and she needs to choose this Hero’s Journey or else it just ain’t happening.

Then time was up and I was putting our folder back in our bag and I saw Anna’s stuffed animal so I said, “I wasn’t sure I would get through this hour alone, so I brought Anna’s puppy in case she switched out and started freaking out. I thought maybe the puppy would help to calm her down if you got stuck with her like that.” She said that was thoughtful of me, but that she never feels like she’s “stuck” with Anna or any of us and she hopes to talk to me again soon. I just said, “K, cool. Peace out!” which made her laugh as I walked out the door.

-Julia

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18 thoughts on “Weirdness and the Chosen One

  1. Zoe says:

    Yeah, totally sit on the floor if that’s your thing, J. I like sitting on the floor too, but usually the places I go to are too dirty and that gives me anxiety. I do take off my shoes and sit with my legs underneath me.

    I think once the therapist gets to know you (and everyone else) a bit better, the conversations will go smoother. Personally I don’t think anything you said was out of line… sounds much like what I would say, but she probably wasn’t used to hearing it like that. I know that sometimes when I express myself differently it kind of throws them off.

    So yeah, next time totally chill on that floor and be as comfortable as you can. It’s a hard spot, a tough setting, so any and all comfort to you should be taken. Screw “normalcy.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Yeah I always take off my shoes (and my socks) whenever it’s even remotely possible because I kinda hate having things on my feet. I hope things go smoother. She seemed mostly okay with me, although I can tell she’s not used to me yet. Maybe the more we talk, the more she can adjust to how I am, which is maybe a little rougher around the edges than she’s used to (i.e. Andi). Thanks, Z! 🙂

      Like

  2. Rachel says:

    Nice work today, J. You were honest, and as open as you could be. It sounds to me like you two made a connection and some good progress. I liked how the therapist maintained good boundaries and let you know when your comments were hurtful or seemed targeted; that will keep it all contained and safe for you to explore your anger. I’m sorry you were so hurting that you cut. I hope you can explore some of that self-loathing with the therapist, and heal your hurts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yeah I thought it was actually pretty cool that she called me out. It pissed me off at first but then once we had a chance to talk about it, I realized we just didn’t understand each other. It’s annoying, but I also kinda like that she didn’t let me push her around. Something about that felt safe.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. silentlistener2510 says:

    Hi J,

    I’m sorry you felt the need to cut.
    I’m glad the t has boundaries and your sense of humour comes through in your writing.
    I like your caring attitude and you do seem fairly compassionate.
    I also like how you read people so well. I’m sure you learned to do this to survive but it’s still a positive trait.

    I’m sure Andy will push through the denial soon. It sucks that she needs it right now.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Hi SL! Yeah, cutting sucks but I really want to stop doing it. It’s just so HARDDDD. Thanks for saying such nice things. You’re super cool. And yeah I hope things get better for Andi soon.

      Liked by 1 person

      • silentlistener2510 says:

        Yes, it is hard but do all I’m glad I got your vote for the cornice award LOL I hope things get better for all of you too it is hard to share your memories all to let each other know about things that have happened in the pastx

        Like

  4. CassandCo says:

    I can relate to the blow ups and aggravations that occur during therapy. Half the time I expect my t to tell me to go fuck myself when I start attacking her verbally. But she just remains curious as to why I feel the way I do and then I feel ok telling her. Trust is so hard. Especially when you’ve been fucked over by parents.

    I often feel that people are going to conspire against me. And it’s not an irrational thought in one sense as it has happened before. But those circumstances aren’t what I’m dealing with now so the fear had somewhat become irrational.

    Good job for persevering. That’s all you can do. Sweet of you to bring the soft toy. You’re a good egg.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yeah you make a ton of good points and I’m wicked glad that this therapist hasn’t totally bailed on us yet. Guess she’s pretty tough. It is super hard to trust. I want to as much as I don’t. It’s confusing. Thx. -Julia

      Liked by 1 person

      • CassandCo says:

        Yeah well you haven’t had good relationships to have developed an underlying sense of faith and trust in people. That makes sense. I’m glad she is tough enough to stay with you through your suffering.

        Liked by 1 person

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