Alleged

In light of new memories that have been surfacing, I’ve become obsessed with looking through my medical records (again). I requested them last year after I’d been discharged from a brief stay at a local psychiatric ward. I was infuriated at how poorly I was treated and, for whatever reason, that prompted me to want to learn more about how OTHER institutions had ALSO treated me poorly.

There’s quite a bit of paperwork to go through, most of that being boring shit they have to write about like my vital signs. But my older records, from when I was 17 years old, have more detailed notes. Particularly the discharge summary from my fourth hospitalization. I was unable to get records from my first three stints in the psych ward because that institution has since been investigated, shut down, bought out, re-opened, re-investigated, and re-shut down. I think it’s a daycare center now. So there’s really no telling where my records are, or if they even still exist (probably not). There’s a brief allusion to those hospitalizations with admission and discharge dates, but otherwise I have no information.

What stands out to me the most as I go through the notes over and over again is how frequently they point out that I was probably a big fat liar, specifically in regards to my trauma. Here are some screenshots, in the order they appear in my records (for those who don’t want to squint at a picture or are visually impaired, go here for the typed notes):

This is the second paragraph in my discharge summary, following the standard “Andi is a 17 year old caucasian female….” introduction paragraph. It stands alone and is the first of many times these people will use the words “alleges” or “alleged” in regards to my trauma. Also notable is that they say “number of occasions” but then use the singular “rape”.  I don’t remember this assault, but someone does. Our neighbor did rape us. Once. On June 27th, 1998. And that is the same exact story we have told since it happened.

The next piece is the hardest for me to post publicly, but I am going to share it anyway. It is the final paragraph in the section about my “Health Information”. I cannot explain it and when I read it to the therapist in session on Friday, she gave me the strangest look and said it was “mysterious”:

 

The therapist said it was extremely bizarre that anyone would be investigating my hymen and then asked if I remembered this exam at all. I do not. All I remember is sitting on a hospital bed, facing two big windows with the curtains drawn. A tiny female Indian doctor was standing to my left, speaking to me. I cannot understand what either of us are saying and I have no memory of her actually doing the exam.

To be honest, I knew my records had this exact sentence in them. My parents often used this information to point out what a horrible, awful liar I was. This was the definitive evidence they needed to put the final nail in my crazy coffin. It has haunted us for half our life. When I finally saw them typed out, holding the actual words in my hands, I felt an odd sense of relief to learn that my parents hadn’t made THAT part up. My medical records do say that my hymen was intact as of December 1999, as they’d always claimed. But I never did anything with that information until now.

What does this mean? I really don’t know. This obviously opposes everything that my Parts have shared about our abuse, including the first-person childhood memories I’ve felt with my own body. Beyond that, I’ve always thought that we had lost our (consensual) virginity at 15 years old (one year prior to this exam). I don’t remember that, either. I couldn’t even tell you his name.

But I do know that my entire claim of sexual abuse (and therefore the basis for my Dissociative Identity Disorder) directly contradicts this Indian doctor’s claim about the status of my hymen nearly sixteen years ago.

I shared this with the therapist, my Wife and two of my closest friends over the weekend. I needed them to know that this is what the records say and I have no excuse or explanation for it. And I’m sharing it here for a similar reason: I want people to know that an actual medical doctor refutes my claims of abuse and assault in writing on a legal medical record.

Which, to me, means that all of this could be a lie.

My wife reminded me that a different doctor sexually abused me and many others were negligent (at best), so it is not outside the realm of possibility that this doctor either intentionally or unintentionally forged this paperwork. I was also reminded of how vehemently people will work to ignore something as atrocious as incest, even if that means lying on paperwork, leaving a child in an abusive environment and totally rejecting their reality.

Perhaps.

Anyway, here’s the next part:

AGAIN with the “alleged”. Ugh. I’m sure it’s just semantics, but it hurts to read that over and over. I’m also struck by such phrasing as “had great difficulty telling the truth” and “told wild stories”.

What’s also super fun is that I actually know about this “boyfriend”. Julia tells this entire story in a previous post. So what’s incredible is that after some awesome “detective work” on behalf of my parents and the staff, they were able to discover that A PERSON THAT NEVER EVEN EXISTED EXCEPT TO COVER MY PARENTS’ ABUSERS’ ASSES was someone we “had never met but had only talked to…on the internet.” I mean, wow. Really superb investigative work on that one.

As far as the pregnancy, miscarriage, and hospital stay? I can’t answer that either because I can’t remember that time. But I have always “known” that we were pregnant (via incest) on more than one occasion and although we never carried as far as 6 months, it’s absolutely possible there was a miscarriage involved at some point. My best guess is that whoever was fronting was trying to tell a part lie/part truth to “test the waters” and see if anyone was paying enough attention to figure out what was going on.

Unfortunately, it appears they were not.

It’s also bizarre that they could clearly see what were authentic traumatic symptoms (I mean, how does one fake pupil dilation?) to the point that they schedule a neurological consult. And they did feel I had “suffered some form of trauma” yet somehow STILL DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT.

Awesome.

Finally, this is from the next institution I was in (during my fifth hospitalization):

  

What’s the most interesting to me about this particular chart (I didn’t post it all because it’s mostly biographical and psychosocial information that I’d have to redact anyway) is that in the admission summary, the psychiatrist we saw heard about and accepted our trauma and thus diagnosed PTSD. However, by the time you get to my discharge summary, there is no PTSD mentioned (except to say that I was faking it endorsing it) and my diagnosis was changed to Borderline Personality Disorder.

In all of these charts, there’s an ebb-and-flow pattern: The doctors see me, see the trauma symptoms, hear the rape-by-neighbor story, and diagnose PTSD. Then, my parents get involved and suddenly everything is questionable, I tell “wild stories”, and I’m a bonafide Borderline.

This is all so strange to me. Not only because it is so difficult to remember, but because as I skim through these charts, it’s so obvious that even if I WAS lying about some specific trauma, it is also crystal clear that I was severely hurting and that something was very, very wrong. Yet no one helped me and, on the contrary, they all helped contribute to this image of me as a crazy, unstable liar.

Which is exactly what my parents abusers wanted.

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49 thoughts on “Alleged

  1. Sirena says:

    Horrific to read. I’m sorry they did that to you. What struck me was the complete lack of empathy and how they all colluded to deny your abuse. And from what I’ve read… sexual abuse or just even just normal sexual activity doesn’t necessarily mean the hymen will break, same way as if it’s broken on a girl, doesn’t prove she isn’t a virgin.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Andi says:

      Thank you so much, Sirena. I was sitting here panicking a little after publishing this. I really appreciate your support and yes, we pretend like the hymen tells everything about sexual activity. Which is totally weird and silly.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sirena says:

        I can imagine how vulnerable you are feeling posting your notes, it’s notes that basically call into question your integrity and your life experiences, by people who should know MUCH better. I feel like part of you is showing this to allow people the choice to join them in the collusion that maybe you are a liar or fantasist. But I am not going to be part of that club. I absolutely believe it happened to you. I believe your mind has probably protected you from a lot of things that happened and the memories you do have a real. Fuck them, those notes aren’t worth the paper they are written on.

        Liked by 4 people

      • Andi says:

        I think that’s actually exactly why I did this. I wanted people to have the chance to call me a liar, too. Mostly because the most recent memories are so awful that I think I would do almost anything to deny it. And because that’s obviously what’s familiar to me. Sometimes the support and validation is excruciating for some reason. And my wife said the same thing (well she said that the paper wasn’t worth her even taking a dump on). Thanks again. I so needed to read these comments ❤️

        Liked by 4 people

  2. Cat's Meow says:

    It sounds like you have parents who present well to the outside world. That can make for so much self doubt. I’m sorry.

    My therapist and I have been talking a lot lately about why people don’t see that abuse is happening and why they have such a deep need to believe that things that horrible can’t be going on down the street from them. It’s particularly tragic that you encountered this at a psychiatric facility where they should know better.

    It is so hard to deal with questions and confusion in a trauma influenced mind without additional outside questioning of our memories. I don’t really know you or all that much about your story, but from what you have written, I can say that I find it entirely believable that you were terribly traumatized from an early age. Who am I to say whether I think that your story is true or not? I wasn’t there. I don’t think that anyone who doesn’t have first hand knowledge of the events has any right to judge the veracity of your memories. Only you can come to any conclusions. I’m sure that you’ve had all of the same conversations about the complexity of memory under normal circumstances, never mind early trauma. It’s maddening that when we most need to know what really did or did not happen, our minds simply don’t function as straightforward recorders of the facts. Or I suppose that I should say that as adults we need to know, but at the time the reality was too overwhelming for us to know. My psychiatrist always says that while the literal memories may be accurate to a greater or lesser extent and often you never know how accurate they were, the emotions always are accurate. So if there are memories of terror and revulsion around a particular person from a young age, there is a very good reason why those emotional memories exist.

    In my case, I’ve decided that certain types of abuse had to have happened with certain people. I may be confused about the details, I may be off by a few years in age for a particular type of abuse, I might even have been threatened with something and as a result believe that it happened, because so many horrible things of that type did happen. But I have a clear, if general, idea of what happened to me. I go back on forth on whether I can tolerate believing myself, but that doesn’t change my understanding of what I believe happened.

    I also have to say that even if something isn’t literally accurate, I do NOT believe that you were ever lying. I believe that you have always been trying to express your reality and get help dealing with it. That is very different from lying.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Cat's Meow says:

      I just realized that it might sound like I am saying that I think it likely that you are not accurate in your memories. Unfortunately, I think it all too likely that you are accurate. I just can’t Know.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Andi says:

        Thank you for clarifying, but I definitely understood that you were not suggesting I was wrong/lying, but that really none of us can be sure of such things.

        Like

    • Andi says:

      Oh goodness, yes. My parents are all but worshipped in the small community I was raised in, which only made it infinitely more difficult to be “seen” for what was truly happening. I think, on a logical level, I’m able to understand why so many people ignored my trauma. But, as you point out, this was in a psychiatric facility – arguable a place where I went to get HELP. It’s sorta disgusting that they denied me that help. As far as memories, I love the way you (and your therapist) are talking about this because memory is such a tricky thing. I have so few actual memories and the ones I do have are collections of emotions, thoughts, and sensations that I sort of “paste together” to make a somewhat coherent narrative out of. So, ultimately, NONE of it is true. But none of it is a lie, either. Which is (I think) what you’re insinuating – that I don’t need to know the minutiae of each individual moment of my abuse to know that there was abuse. And that I am 100% sure of. Thank you for this comment. Much needed and much appreciated.

      Liked by 4 people

      • Cat's Meow says:

        Oops, it looks like I didn’t get around to actually making my point! But yes, you got it anyways.

        Although I do think that something can be Your Truth, but not the same as a video taped representation of the same thing. Your Truth involves so much more than a moment in time or a particular incident.

        For instance, I hear over and over in my head, “he raped me.” At this point, I believe that it happened literally, but there was so much that was over powering and invasive to my Self in my relationship with my father that I have wondered if it wasn’t a metaphorical rape. A rape of the soul, really. In it’s own way, it might be almost as bad as the physical.

        It’s all so confusing and so painful.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Andi says:

        Yes, I totally agree. I may not have evidence of literal penetration but there is plenty to support the fact that both of my parents were horrifically abusive for the better part of three decades.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. mm172001 says:

    I’m kinda scared to read my medical/psych history for some of the same reasons. I know I blatantly lied, would ocassionally tell the truth, and then later again would just say no when asked that question. My memory isn’t so good but I know I went back and forth about being truthful of the rape. So what they gathered, I have no idea. But I don’t want to know because I’m sensitive and I’ll get sad, doubtful, or pissed. Amazingly this last hospitalization was the first ever I was formally diagnosed with PTSD.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yeah I waited a long time to even request the records because I didn’t want to spiral downward from reading them. I don’t think it even benefited me to know. I just *had* to do it for some compulsive reason. And I actually never knew I’d been diagnosed with PTSD because no one told me. They just said I had a mood disorder and then, later, a personality disorder. I didn’t get a formal diagnosis told to me until I was 26 years old. Which is far too long in my opinion. For either of us.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. silentlistener2510 says:

    It sounds like your parents convinced him to call you in a conspiracy of silence maybe for some it was a simple case of cognitive dissidents but there is no excuse they are wrong and the mindfuck is enough for you all to exist I believe I believe you and know one is a liar everyone may have their own truth because you have had different experiences outside but no one is a liar

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ellen says:

    How invalidating those documents must have been to you as a young teenager as well as now – when I was younger, authorities like hospitals and doctors were like the word of God. Sorry you had to go through that.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Boost Connection says:

    I hate all the people. Psychiatric hospitals are environments that are ripe for incompetence, neglect, and abuses of power by staff. The reason being that the patients are incredibly vulnerable to being used as scapegoats for people who don’t want (or care enough) to do their jobs. Everyone’s too busy, too stressed, too uneducated, too cynical, too unsympathetic, and too lazy to get people connected with the help they need. It’s easy to pin everything that is wrong on the patient.

    And since ALL hospitals lose money on their psych units, their financial incentive is to keep the beds full and patients medicated. Outcomes don’t mean shit to them.

    I 1,000,000% believe your story, and that you need to put some distance between yourself and your experiences some days by questioning what your reality is. I wouldn’t want to believe the truth either. It sucks!

    But the simplest answer is that you fell through the cracks and this doctor was too incompetent to continue existing in life. Fuck those records, fuck those incompetent negligent assholes, and fuck that hospital.

    Additionally, your very toxic abusers probably poisoned every environment you’ve ever been in. Why would the hospital be any different?

    You are an amazingly forthcoming person and I hope that never changes. I am proud of you for tackling your demons, even if it means trying to run away sometimes. We all do what we need to to get through the day.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Yes, I definitely need to put a lot of distance between myself and this awfulness. I know it’s probably super annoying, but it’s just something I have to do right now. Or, even more importantly, that the persecutor Parts need me to do right now? Thanks for your never-ending support and love xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Rachel says:

    Andi, your sexual assaults and abuse could NOT be a lie, regardless of what a doctor or fairy princess or whoever writes in a medical record. There is no way any of it could be a lie; Dissociative Identity Disorder does not just happen. No fucking way. Severe and incomprehensible trauma must occur. I believe you have been grossly and unforgivably neglected by people who were in positions to help. Using a word as invalidating and shaming as “alleges” (btw, semantics do hurt, they really can hurt and that’s real) shows me how utterly fearful people are of pain and suffering and how evil and dark humanity can be. You were blamed for incest and assault and I am just so deeply sorry and upset. You’re brave and strong and surrounded by love and support now.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Andi says:

      Sometimes I think a fairy princess may have been the actual transcriber of my chart because it’s THAT ridiculous. I know DID doesn’t “just happen” but someone (i.e. a former therapist) once told me that DID could be the result of severe, persistent trauma or the work of a “very clever Borderline”. Something about that has always stuck with me and I always wonder if she was insinuating that I am pretending all of this shit. And yes! Semantics totally can be hurtful! Thank you for your kind words and anger and support. It means a lot ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rachel says:

        I don’t believe the school of thought that DID is fabricated. I know those therapists and academics too. And I don’t believe it. It doesn’t make sense to me that anyone would ‘make it up’; and IF it is ‘made up’, there is still something significantly disturbed happening that needs compassionate care and support. You are welcome. :).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        In general, I don’t either. Except, of course, as it applies to my own possible malingering or iatrogenic case. Which is probably all about self-protection or something. But otherwise, the idea that multiples are all fakers basically infuriates me. Another example of how I would NEVER treat any other person the way I treat myself. *sigh*

        Liked by 1 person

      • Rachel says:

        It’s okay to not believe your own story yet, Andi. There is nothing wrong with you being frustrated and wanting to go through the emotion of feeling like a liar. If that’s what you need, you need it.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. luverley says:

    First of all I believe all of your parts exist and for the reasons that you experienced trauma. So many are ignorant to it still. These people still take words of adults over children. It’s so sick. I’m sorry they say alleged, I believe you. I’m sory your parents twisted them around their fingers to keep secrets.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Anxious Mom says:

    It’s so strange that you exhibiting signs of PTSD is mentioned, but completely writing off what you said happened. Well, more than just strange, fucking disgusting because they did nothing with that and ignored the obvious.

    As manipulative, among other things, as your parents were, they probably planted the seed that you were making it up and with them seeming so nice, the doc just went with that rather than doing their job.

    I’m sorry everyone who should have been taking care of you failed you so badly. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Totally agree, it’s super strange. I cannot wrap my brain around the deliberate way they turned their back on a child like this. It’s appalling, really. But, yes, I’m sure my parents played a massive role in how all of this ended up. They are ultimately both narcissists and sociopaths and very good at what they do, sadly. At least I am free from them now. Thanks, E ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Borderline Functional says:

    What a brave post Andi. ❤
    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now!
    It must be so difficult, scary and painful for you to read and share. The undermining of so much of your inner truth; the questions that arise in the aftermath about not only your own memories but also of all these people who were entrusted to care for you in times of obvious need.
    You don't deserve to have gone through such unjust invalidation. I'm angered by the thought that so many people could have been so blind and uncaring for you when you needed compassion and just care.
    I really can't tell you enough how much my thoughts are with you right now.
    Aimee xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you, Aimee. I am not sure I feel brave, but I appreciate the sentiment. This is definitely a lot to go through right now. It’s hard to know what to make of it all and everything just feels crazy. I feel like that anger is so close to me, but I can’t quite access it. And I wish I could. Because I think I would benefit from a healthy dose of properly directed rage right about now! Thanks again for your kindness and support xo

      Liked by 1 person

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