Freefall

Classes are over for the semester. Finally. I had my last final exam yesterday afternoon and by 2pm, I knew all of my grades. I got all A’s, which means I keep my 4.0! Hurray! And I scored four perfect 100’s on my practical exams this session, which is really quite extraordinary just in general, but even more so when I look back on what I’ve been tackling these last few weeks. It is moments like this when the ability to compartmentalize and let “someone else” take over has it’s very obvious benefits. I am so incredibly relieved to be done with coursework for a month because my brain is absolutely at capacity right now.

Except, it’s been just over 24 hours since classes ended and I already feel like I’m going insane. I don’t really have plans for this month off except sporadic social engagements, therapy three times a week, and going to the gym every single damn day. I went to the gym for two hours this morning because I literally didn’t know what else to do with myself.

I feel like I have been sprinting for seven months straight, working tirelessly to get through classes while battling flashbacks/memories and eating disorders and internal hostility and the natural challenges of navigating therapy. It has very much been a practice in “one day at a time”.

And now it’s over. I made it. It feels like I went from a full-on sprint to a full-on stop. But with all of that momentum, it’s hard to brake, so I feel like I am just freefalling through the air, wondering where I’m going to make my crash landing.

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