As I prepare for this extra session (that I specifically asked for) later today, I feel nervous and worried. When I try to dig deeper, I realize that I keep thinking of my Mother…
I’m remembering being a little girl and vying for my Mother’s attention but her refusing to acknowledge me. I’m not sure if she’s deliberately ignoring me or if I generally fly so far under her radar that she just doesn’t remember that I exist. Either way, I push harder and harder for her to notice me. Eventually I annoy her to the point of finally gaining her attention.
“What?!” she snaps down at me.
I feel terrified. Why is she mad? Why is she yelling? What have I done wrong?
“Oh no. You obviously wanted my attention so badly that you rudely interrupted me to get it. So tell me, what was SO IMPORTANT?!”
My heart is racing and I can’t figure out what is going on. I can’t even remember what I wanted to tell her anymore.
“God, Andi…why are you always being so dramatic?!”
“I’m not, I promise, I…”
“Get out of my face. I don’t even want to look at you right now.”
And I did. I left. I got out of her face so she wouldn’t have to look at me.
Reading it back to myself, this story reminds me of how completely invisible I often was as a child. My needs were never prioritized. I was never important. And when I had the audacity to “demand” attention from my primary caregivers, I was ridiculed and chastised for it. It was a terrifying experience to get my needs met, even in the most basic ways.
I think this fear around going to session today stems from that old script replaying. I don’t imagine the therapist saying such things to me, but I do feel a similar line of internal questioning. I keep asking myself over and over again what was SO IMPORTANT that I needed to ask for an entire extra session?
Is it important enough? Or am I just being dramatic?