Is It Important Enough?

As I prepare for this extra session (that I specifically asked for) later today, I feel nervous and worried. When I try to dig deeper, I realize that I keep thinking of my Mother…

I’m remembering being a little girl and vying for my Mother’s attention but her refusing to acknowledge me. I’m not sure if she’s deliberately ignoring me or if I generally fly so far under her radar that she just doesn’t remember that I exist. Either way, I push harder and harder for her to notice me. Eventually I annoy her to the point of finally gaining her attention.

What?!” she snaps down at me.

I feel terrified. Why is she mad? Why is she yelling? What have I done wrong?

…nothing

Oh no. You obviously wanted my attention so badly that you rudely interrupted me to get it. So tell me, what was SO IMPORTANT?!

Uh…I…nevermind.

My heart is racing and I can’t figure out what is going on. I can’t even remember what I wanted to tell her anymore.

God, Andi…why are you always being so dramatic?!

I’m not, I promise, I…

Get out of my face. I don’t even want to look at you right now.

And I did. I left. I got out of her face so she wouldn’t have to look at me.

Reading it back to myself, this story reminds me of how completely invisible I often was as a child. My needs were never prioritized. I was never important. And when I had the audacity to “demand” attention from my primary caregivers, I was ridiculed and chastised for it. It was a terrifying experience to get my needs met, even in the most basic ways.

I think this fear around going to session today stems from that old script replaying. I don’t imagine the therapist saying such things to me, but I do feel a similar line of internal questioning. I keep asking myself over and over again what was SO IMPORTANT that I needed to ask for an entire extra session? 

Is it important enough? Or am I just being dramatic?

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23 thoughts on “Is It Important Enough?

  1. luverley says:

    No way. Remember where you were and the space you were in when you asked for extra session. I know it’s hard to remember. And if you don’t want to talk about that talk about this them. The need to question wheter you deserve our need this time. Your parts might need this time. River might. You don’t know. Just go with it and remain calm. You are going so well. You have a wonderful sounding t. You deserve her attention. And we all deserve our parents. Everything you seem to write hits me straight in the heart. I wish i didn’t know how you felt but i do. Xx

    Liked by 4 people

  2. CassandCo says:

    You better believe it’s important. It’s amazing that you’re at a point where you have the courage to speak up. That’s awesome, given how you were silenced. It’s hard when the old messages warn you away from speaking up now, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job of knowing how those erroneous messages came from. What you have to say is important. You’re important. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. jaklumen says:

    I almost got the first comment last night, but, I waited.

    I’m pretty sure you know how I feel, Andi, if you recall many of the things I’ve said about my mother. Had to deal with her last night and today– it’s still not easy, but I’m getting there.

    I think you should take all the time you need, y’know? I hope your session went well. Thanks for stopping by the Journal Jar to read about how well mine last Tuesday went.

    Liked by 2 people

      • jaklumen says:

        Sorry it’s taken so long for me to see your comment! I’ve been using some new privacy tools, and it’s taken me this long to figure out how to allow certain trackers, to see these notifications!

        I’m meeting with my T weekly now, so there will be another entry soon.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Anxious Mom says:

    I know how easy it is to get caught up in that type of thinking, always carrying what we’re taught about our self-worth in childhood, second guessing and so on, but as someone else said–you’re important and that’s enough. I do hope it went well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Rachel says:

    ‘It was a terrifying experience to get my needs met, even in the most basic ways.’ That hits home. I hope it was helpful for you, and you were able to release some of those big things, even just a little. Sending support. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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