Noise

Today I had session for one hour, but it somehow turned into a two hour session plus a follow up check-in by phone once I got home. Ugh. I hate it when things get activated and shit starts to go downhill. It’s (apparently) inevitable, especially this time of year. Last year during the Summer short session, I missed class because I spent an evening/morning at the local psychiatric emergency room. A month(ish) later, I landed myself there again for three very horrible days. This seems to be a strange annual pattern.

Well, not annual. The last time we went inpatient (prior to last year) was during the Summer of 2009. But still – it seems as though lots of things get stirred up as the weather gets warmer. I’m 99% sure it’s associated with earlier Summer breaks from school (those 3 months you get off from June-September or so). My guess is that it was never very pleasant for us to find ourselves home all day every day with a house full of crazy.

Regardless, things are rapidly getting worse in the Head Space. I don’t have a strong enough sense of what is going on to actually do anything about it, but the incessant NOISE is enough to drive anyone insane.

The major problem is that I am supposed to be the host – the “leader’ – of this pack, yet I can’t get enough quiet to actually DO anything. It’s getting harder and harder to concentrate or even carry on simple conversations. The thought insertions (sometimes called “made thoughts”) are awful. I often just get random images or memories that I would really rather not know about right now ever. Or I get berating, belittling, insults, or outright yelling.

It sucks. Hardcore. I have so much more compassion for Julia since this is what she’s gone through on almost a daily basis for decades. I know Anna, Lucy, and River get it, too. No wonder Julia resorts to self-harm and suicidal gestures or River starves herself. I honestly can’t say I blame either of them. I could jump off the roof right now myself.*

The therapist wasn’t able to get too much done with us today, even in 120 minutes. Although she did a lot of sitting with very tough emotions and that’s impressive itself. I applaud her for not losing her shit. Even when I started to panic that she was going to get frustrated and abandon us, she stayed super calm and reassured me that 1. she’s okay, and 2. she’s not leaving because she wants to be there.**

When she called later this evening, she suggested I try writing down everything that’s happening in my head space. So if Parts are yelling out stuff or sending images or whatever – I should jot it down. That won’t solve everything, but it might allow me to create some sort of boundary around the internal activity, which may help contain it for a while.

I seriously hope so because it’s Midterm week and I don’t have time for this shit.

*But I won’t.
**For now, at least.

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20 thoughts on “Noise

  1. Andrea CH says:

    This sounds so exhausting and frustrating. I’m sorry especially about the ‘berating, belittling, insults, or outright yelling’ … it seems like some important things are being worked out, but wish it didn’t involve you and other parts feeling attacked. 😦 Really hope the writing idea helps bring back some peace for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachel says:

    You are so unbelievably, atonishingly strong, Andi. When you describe the hell you have gone through, and continue to deal with during your healing process, I am completely blown away at how you manage your life so skillfully and successfully. You may not feel it, but damn.

    Liked by 1 person

      • ambivalencegirl says:

        It’s that overwhelm of emotions that flip flop in intensity. One minute I’m screaming at myself on the inside and the next I’m trying to calm myself in beautiful yoga and then I’m back to not wanting to eat followed with wanting to nourish myself and then I want to slash my arms but really I listen to a beautiful song.

        But in therapy last week we did bilateral tapping around my overwhelming feelings and when asked if I could feel the overwhelm I definitely found myself in that place. What followed was this intense shaky fear and dissociation and inability to pull myself out and it’s just so godawful. And then I went to work and home and just never fully recovered. Today was the first day I felt a bit better. So yay!

        Hope your feeling better as well.

        Liked by 1 person

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