Problem Solving

I have been completely lost inside a hormonal fog of meh this past week. I had a total rage fit a few evenings ago. I don’t even know what was wrong. I just felt like I was going to burst wide open and explode everywhere.

Wife was planning to order in some food, but that felt too overwhelming. Then the idea of deciding what to cook felt too overwhelming. I considered just sitting down in the middle of the floor and sobbing, but I threw on some workout clothes and went to the gym instead.

I’m not proud of the person I was before I got off the treadmill.

One of the strange things about DID is that you don’t always switch completely. Actually, I don’t think that’s strange at all. I think that might be a more common experience of dissociation and DID than the textbook DSM definition which (in my opinion, which I will clarify is what every word of this blog is, lest I be accused of trying to speak for every single person with DID again) totally over-values the whole “switching with amnesia” bit. It’s a far more complex and nuanced experience than that.

Anyway. The point is – this rage fit was definitely a combo deal. I could feel parts of Parts slamming into each other, trying to make decisions and assert themselves or just find a way to fucking cope. It doesn’t generally go very well under these conditions. We don’t agree. Everyone has different ideas of what should happen. It’s a mess.

But one thing I knew for sure was that if I couldn’t find a way to discharge some of that anger, it would end badly. Probably in some form of self-harm. I also know that Julia loves to workout and that doing so helps dial down her rage a few notches. Furthermore, if I could post-pone dinner by an hour or so, I knew it would give River a chance to pull it together and make a decision about what to eat. If those two were calmer, I figured the younger parts would start to calm down as well.

I wasn’t entirely sure my plan would work, but it did. It took a good 30 minutes of cardio to bring things down to a reasonable level. And once settled, we agreed on a homemade protein shake for dinner to follow-up the workout.

I was very impressed with the way I handled that. Mostly because I didn’t use dissociation to cope but stayed present with all those shitty emotions and sensations and used my super smart brain to actually problem solve. And it all worked out fine.

Huh. Imagine that.

20 thoughts on “Problem Solving

  1. aniken5er says:

    Congrats on the problem solving! Thanks for saying that about DID. I was just diagnosed in march this year and I still have trouble believing in the diagnosis and part of the reason for that is because I don’t have true amnesia between parts; I consider myself forgetful and rather spacey at times, and most of the time switches are subtle to outsiders. I am careful not to be noticed; most of the time it works. When a younger part needs to go off into her make-believe world in order to get comfort or soothing, I just let her go. An outsider would just think I am asleep. It’s great to hear how others experience all this, so thanks for sharing yours.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Andi says:

      Hey! Thanks! And thanks for sharing part of your story and experience. I try to be cautious about how I represent the “disorder” so I don’t offend people, but I think it’s so important that we’re talking about what it’s like to experience it every day. Because it’s so different than the information you get from textbooks or articles. And that feeling of being different is EXACTLY what makes us question the validity of our own experiences and diagnoses. I’m glad this helped you! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Willow says:

    Yep, been fighting all week with dealing with parts/rage. It’s hard when there is no complete switching anymore. The rage and emotions are all felt thru me, with me, and it is so, so hard. Good on you for finding a healthy way thru that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. luverley says:

    Good on you. And yeah all DID is different. Look at your blog it makes sense at least. Mine jeez i look like completely crazy off the reserve and half the time don’t know what’s been said. Every did is different

    Liked by 1 person

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