I’m in a weird place with therapy right now. I feel fairly content with the choice of therapist I’ve made. She’s proven time and time again to be really damn good at her job. And I do feel like she’s helping us and attuning to us and overall being really great at meeting our needs – even as they are forever shifting.
But then there’s this time/“space” thing. And I know I should just take the extra damn time and be grateful I have a therapist who is able to recognize when more time is needed. Right?
Except, it’s just so complicated.
What, exactly, will we do with this extra time?
I think – in a dream world – she’d be able to work with each Part individually, which would help her (and me and other outside people) better meet their needs, which would then help the system function better overall. But I don’t know if she is either willing or (more importantly) capable of doing that. I know she is thinking that more space will allow us to do deeper work. I know she’s leaning into my treatment. I know she’s offering more support. I know I’m also paying for that support and she keeps the parameters clear and safe.
But. Still….Can she really do what needs to be done to help us heal? All of us?
Ideally, she’d have rough “boy” toys for Scooter to crash around as well as stuffed animals and art supplies in her office to help Anna and Lucy to express themselves.
Ideally, she’d be able to work closer with Julia and continue to hone and maintain all the wonderful DBT skills she learned at the Trauma Program (and also help her work through all the resistance she feels to using said skills because Zooey sent her there to learn them). Maybe she could even pick up where Zooey left off as far as using the DBT app with Julia, which was such an incredibly valuable tool for her (and us).
Ideally, she’d have River keep a food diary and discuss it with her in session to help her process her difficult and painful emotions and thoughts around food.
Ideally, she’d connect with Rachel and help her accept the reality of what our childhood really was, instead of this sanitized fantasy version she holds onto that creates eternal conflict between her and the Parts who lived that hell.
Ideally, she’d forge some sort of working relationship with Shadow Man and Laura to help figure out what their purpose and ideals are and to help us work together to shape those roles into something more productive in present day.
Ideally, she could learn more about the parts with no names or “title” names. Maybe they could choose real names and either blend with other Parts or become more than these narrowly defined jobs they do/did.
Ideally, she’d allow each traumatized part to share and work through their memories in a way that is really safe and validating and helps them finally let go of all of this horror and terror and paralyzing shame….
But this is not an ideal world. This is reality. And I think my expectations and hopes are just too damn high.
I should talk to her about this. I should probably actually just say this exactly. But…I don’t. I can’t. I know she’ll say something beautiful and perfect in response and in that totally non-threatening way, convince me to take the extra time.
But I don’t want it. She should save it for someone else. Someone who can actually be helped. Someone who won’t ruin it. Someone who won’t challenge her past her limits and make her feel shitty about herself and her job and her capabilities as a therapist. Someone worthy of that time.
Which is definitely not me.