Misery

I am perfect with food. I always eat exactly as planned. I drink tons of water and green tea to stay hydrated. I make sure we get plenty of exercise. 

Yet still. The scale doesn’t move. Our weight remains the same. People say we are physically smaller. We “look” thinner? Fine, whatever. But we have not lost a single pound in June. 

How? Why?? What am I doing wrong?! I am perfect. Controlled. Predictable. Disciplined. If we go off course, it is rare and due to a situation out of my ability to control. Not enough to explain the stop in weight loss. 

Wife says it may be stress. Hormones. Lack of sleep. Etc. 

I hope so. I hope it settles down soon. I am in misery. A horse with a broken ankle. If I am not losing weight, I see no point in existing. None at all. 

Someone just shoot me, please. 

Mercy, they say. 

Help. 

-River 

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39 thoughts on “Misery

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    i hear you. i have bulimia. i know what the controling is like. how that feels. and when you arent losing, how that feels. i hate not losing anything. do you take meds? our t says meds cause the weight to stay on. Emily

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Hi Emily. Yeah, it feels so awful to not be losing. It’s kind of like I’m dying. We take klonopin and propranolol. I don’t think either of those impact weight. But I know all about medication weight. That’s how we got fat in the first place! Thanks for commenting. It’s nice to meet you. -River

      Like

  2. sensuousamberville says:

    River have you gained weight during this period?

    Both of those meds can cause a weight gain or loss, confusingly enough it can do either. With the stressful time that you have gone through recently, not gaining is a triumph. If people say you look thinner maybe you are toning.

    Liked by 1 person

      • sensuousamberville says:

        Then you have done a great job. 🙂 A stressful time you all had, therapy and exams, I know what exams are like. *hugs*

        I would like to ask, do you restrict and count calories, limit and become anxious when the count becomes higher than you wish or would you rather a healthy diet be followed?

        Consider this a therapy question rather than a nosy one? Give it thought. I am not prying, I am curious if it is anxiety about too many calories or not a healthy diet. There is no wrong answer.

        Like

      • Andi says:

        Both? I like to keep our calorie count in a certain range, but it’s also very important that those calories be from healthy, clean foods. A break in either causes me to totally panic. -River

        Like

      • sensuousamberville says:

        Do you meet with resistance when you suggest the healthy diet? When calorie counting, extreme care is needed to be sure the proteins are sufficient. I think you know this though, it is probably difficult telling the others this.

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  3. Rachel says:

    Sorry you’re feeling like your contribution isn’t amounting to much right now. We all want to feel needed and important. So I can see why you’re so upset. Sending support for you, River. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. iamcynical says:

    Just make sure you take care of your organs and body. Maybe take a multi vitamin and some vitamin C, D, and fish oil or Vitamin E. Vitamins aren’t fattening and if you are lacking nutrients your body may try to hold onto excess weight or fat in order to have a “back up” source. When you do eat try to eat nutritious foods like FRESH or ORGANIC fruits, veggies, seeds, nuts, soy, a hard boiled egg, broth, and whole grains. These foods are not fattening, especially in3-5 small portioned meals or snacks. They are good for your organs and body, and will also increase your metabolism, especially if you stick to a consistent diet pattern. Not having enough nutrients and stress are some reasons for the body holding onto weight. Take care of your mind, but don’t forget your body, ok~ Love the body too.

    Planning your meals can give you a good feeling of control. Breathe and relax. You are in control of this. Hope everything will go well for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      I honestly do try to take care of our body as much as I can. But I’m also particular about intake. So I try to make those foods we do eat very nutritious. I plan most of my meals because if I don’t, I feel scared.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. aniken5er says:

    Do you think you are not losing weight because someone inside you believes it is not healthy to lose any more? Do you have a goal weight that they think is too low? Also – I ask this with no judgment – why do you believe if you are not losing weight that you have no reason to exist?
    Btw, I admire you (River). I wish more people talked so openly and honestly about their challenges.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes. Well, Rachel hates being skinny. And Julia prefers to be buff and strong so she can kick everyones ass. We never ever agree on things like food or weight or size or clothes. It’s hard and annoying.

      I don’t know. I just feel like I will die if I’m not losing weight. I can’t explain it.

      Thank you for commenting.

      Like

  6. luverley says:

    Hey river tell me about it, I’m not as healthy as you with all the tea and water. I have bouts where others are out and eat for me. 😦 it sux. I love to drink, it helps not be hungry. -Blaze 16

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Hey Blaze! It totally sucks when the others eat! I agree! I drink ALL.THE.TIME. to keep our belly full and stop us from eating. Anna hates being hungry and Julia just ignores my wishes. Ugh. Thanks for commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Tina says:

    I unfortunately can relate to feeling like a complete failure & question my worth & the value of my life at this weight:( I attended my eating disorders anonymous meeting today …. I’m making the effort.

    Liked by 1 person

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