I went to our therapy session today. Well Julia went and then I came out. I wasn’t planning on it, but then the therapist said my name. She knew I was out at the end of last session. Or she suspected. Can’t tell. Either way, I did not want people talking about me again. So I came out to see if I could talk myself.
I didn’t say anything for a long time. She asked me what I was feeling and I said, “Scared” so she asked why and I said “I don’t think I’m supposed to talk.” She asked if that came from inside or outside. I said “both”. I said that I wasn’t going to let anyone else talk. She wanted to know why.
I felt cold. She said I didn’t have to talk at all, but that she was curious about me. She asked if there was anything she should know about me. I told her that I keep order and control. It’s not just about the food. It’s about many things. It’s important. Life or death.
She asked if I thought it was working. I said yes. She said that she believed what I’m doing is really important, but that perhaps it isn’t effective anymore. And maybe I don’t need to keep order anymore. Then she asked if I wanted to be happy. Or relaxed. Why would I want to do that? I was not made to be happy or relaxed. I was made to keep us safe. And alive.
She said she thinks that might be true, but that there are other things about me beyond those things and that I don’t just need to survive. I think she’s wrong but I like that she said that though. I almost cried because I felt a lot of emotion about the things she was saying.
She made me feel okay. Like it was okay to talk. But I don’t think it is. Maybe this is a trick. Sometimes people say very nice things as part of a trick. That’s how I ended up in a hospital being forced to eat terrible awful food. And Zooey was nice. She said she wanted to know me better so I spoke to her in person one time. She left us two weeks later.
She can’t make me eat more. No one can. But she said maybe she can help the Others to feel more calm and less stressed, so that my job is easier. I would like that. Oh, and I told her the story of why my name is River. She thanked me for sharing and said it helps her understand a lot of things. I don’t know what that means, but I think it’s a good thing.
I might talk to her again. Julia is upset that I stepped out in front of her, but I only did that because I wanted some privacy. I think everyone deserves privacy sometimes.
So I might say more. But I won’t eat more. I’ll just talk.